Pixxxel Porn, Etc.

Today is one of those days where no matter how hard I try, nothing is coming out right. I have at least five thoughtful, intelligent posts lined up for you guys, but every time I sit down to write, the words come out garbled a la The Peanuts -- "waa wa, wa wa waa wah wa waaaaaah." Therefore I have no choice but to employ Plan B: Blind you with boobies. And unicorns. And animals with sugar on top. With any luck these ingredients -- all courtesy of super talented and super disturbed photographer JeanYves Lemoigne -- will combine seamlessly to create the perfect Friday post.

Um, that's some very nice wallpaper you have there... Didn't get your fill of golden weewaws and bajingos on Wednesday? Lemoigne's PIXXXEL series might help you fill in the gaps.

Somehow these images manage to pull together a mesmerizing triumvirate of attributes: Porn (no need to explain here), pixels (please see Designer's Brew's excellent post on the pixel trend), and hawt interiors. I mean, seriously, check out that table and the acres of walnut grain! Vavavavoom!

Is there something wrong with me that I really am agog at the design and styling choices in these photos?

I feel like she's trying to distract me with something here, but all I can really focus on is the fireplace treatment...

Whew, all that decor porn is fatiguing me! I feel the need for some light and refreshing imagery to cleanse my, uh, palette. Unicorns are light and refreshing, right?

Except when they're homeless unicorns.

Apparently, even supernatural creatures are not immune to the recession. Bummer

Maybe the last unicorn has been hiding out under the bridge downtown all this time. That's probably because we've already cut down most of our forests, and the poor homeless unicorns have nowhere else to go. Of course, the hard hearted would tell them to just get a damn job and stop draining "the system," but you know? It's hard being a unicorn.

Perhaps it's time for a comedic interlude.

Animals doing human things are funny!

I have a serious ant problem that I CANNOT get rid of, and I have a feeling this fella may be able to help me out. Think he and my feral feline friend would get along?

Ok, as promised I've brought you pixel porn, unicorns and animals. Time for the sugar on top!

The only problem is that it's toxic.

Of course, even a Hazmat warning label and a pegged Geiger Counter wouldn't be enough to keep me out of the sugar bowl. Not by a long shot.

Like this family, I plan to enjoy the sweet, sweet goodness of sugar whatever the ill effects. I'm not going to let little things like cellulite or hellacious bouts of insomnia stop me from consuming mountains of pancakes all weekend long. Just be sure and check back on Tuesday to make sure that I'm still alive, ok?

Thanks!

It's Getting Gold in Here

Since Karly's gone, I thought I would do my best to gold up this hizzy in her honor. Goldeness may be next to Godliness because it's all about surface, so it only take a cheapo can of spray paint to turn even the most ordinary object into something that looks expensive and klassy. If the recession depression is getting you down, hustle out and spend $5 to give something the Midas touch. You know it's going to make you feel better. I'm here to help you pull the paint trigger with some scintillating finds that are designed to bring the bling back into your life.

Zany Dutchman Marcel Wanders contradicts the age old aphorism that, "You can't polish a turd." Well, apparently you can!

Richard Powers

Boyfriend's big black speakers getting you down? Surely he wouldn't mind a bit if you got after those nasty cases with some super shiny lussssster. Tip: wait until he goes out on a late night bar crawl to transform his AV equipment. Men can get a little touchy about their electronics, so best to let him booze it up a little. High Five sure to follow!

Once your golden piece de resistance is finis, you may want to protect it from his angry adoring clutches with a fabulous fence. Demakersvan makes gorgeously crocheted fences out of plastic coated wire in a variety of designs, including this golden girl.

While you've got the paint out, why not take a cue from these guerrilla artists and put gold back on the streets. Oh, and please start at Wall Street...

Because we surely need some gold back in our banks! This gold painted ATM is probably worth more than the "money" inside it.

Speaking of gluttony and financial ruin, Studio Job has got those bank bitches' number with their piece, Robber Baron. Holy crackatoly, do you see the tiny guns, atomic stars, airplanes, and other symbols of technology gone horribly awry? I desperately need this as a coffee table. Since this piece costs more than a bank (which isn't that hard these days), I'll be busy trying to figure out how I'm going to make this myself.

Per Ranung

While I try to reinvent the wheel, I think anyone could handle this as an at home project: whip out the paint can to emphasize va-va-volume in sculptures. Glossy surfaces always look rounder than matte ones. Let the model instruct you on how best to apply this rule to your fashion decisions.

If you accidentally get some paint on the floor, don't worry! Just go ahead and spread it everywhere. If Dolce and Gabbana can have a solid gold bedroom, so can you.

Perhaps you'd prefer something more precious and smaller in scale, like these rings from jewelry designer Gisele Ganne's Divorce series. Just slip on these gold knuckles and leave a lasting impression on your significant ex's face.

I also love that Ricochet Studio isn't afraid to take a golden shower. I really covet Accident for my little boy's nursery because -- as the designers themselves acknowledge -- it happens.

Ricochet makes all kinds of oddly twisted ceramics with a golden flourish, like this Urn with an intestinal interior. Love these guys. Found via Sara Says Awesome's quirky blog.

For fine details like those on the Ricochet pieces, may I recommend you dispense with the spray paint and switch to Rub 'N' Buff, the most amazing product in the universe. No, I do not get paid to advertise their wares, but I should (wink) because I have covered everything from frames and knobs to thrift store junque to all manner of TJ Maxx and Ross' craptacular "goods" with the Buffer. You will be amazed at how much a tiny tube will cover.

Like, I'm pretty sure the artist responsible for this travesty could have saved himself a whole lot of money:

Yes, Mark Quinn's solid gold Kate Moss statue has an estimated worth of $10 million pounds. It probably would have cost less to buy Miss Moss herself and coat her and her naughty bits in Rub 'N' Buff. After all, odds are that it would only take one tube to do the whole job.

Quilts Gone Wild!

The normally oh so civilized quiltosphere is abuzz with conflict regarding the latest issue of Quilter's Home. According to this article in The Washington Post, Jo Ann's Fabric Store refused to carry the scandalous March/April issue because it features pages of controversial quilts. Even though editor/owner Mark Lipinski ponied up extra cash to have the issues shrink wrapped in plastic sleeves a la Hustler magazine, the issue was deemed too shocking for Jo Ann's customers, out of fear that they might accidentally look at the magazine. Let's check out the front cover, shall we?

What? No T&A? Just an alarmingly excited man (Lipinski himself) playing a post pubescent game of hide and seek on the cover... But it is advertised as "Shocking," so what's inside this issue anyway?

WaPo writes, "Flip past the ads for stencil companies and portable ironing tables to Page 24. Behold, seven straight pages of shocking quilts. We're talking fabric phalluses. Gun-toting Jesuses. A newborn peering out from his mother's lady parts (constructed out of lots of soft, embroidered orange cloth)."

You don't say.

Sadly, I don't have a copy of this magazine (if you do, PLEASE send us scans and I'll update the post), and QH doesn't publish excepts online, but a little detective work has uncovered some of the art and artists included within these controversial(!) pages.

First up, Gwendolyn Magree, whose quilts draw comparison to Jacob Lawrence. Southern Heritage/Southern Shame, included in Quilter's Home, was created as a response to Mississippi's refusal to remove the Confederate emblem from the state flag.

God of Our Weary Years

When Hope Unborn Had Died, of which Magree writes, "A couple has bought a hog and toddler at auction. Its mother, screaming in anguish, runs desperately out of the fields."

Requiem, a quilt devoted to the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

And then there's Miss Mary Beth Bellah, along with her featured quilt, Helping Hands, which is apparently an ode to Viagra. And penises.

Don't be deceived by her middle aged wholesomeness, but do note the pliant puss in hand. And the penises.

Can you see them, masquerading as dog bones? Also, the blue diamonds represent delicious Viagra pills. Apparently, this quilt was exhibited at a hospital -- fitting, no? -- but was taken down due to complaints. Really, you'd think hospitals would appreciate the free advertising!

Last but not least, Shawn Quinlan's Jesus Get Your Gun quilt, featured in the now notorious QH issue, really got some blogger's threads knotted up in a wad.

Nothing like religion and politics to ruffle a few feathers. Apparently this piece was the recipient of an award at the Andy Warhol Museum, and was also awarded the Greater Latrobe School District Art Conservation Trust, but the latter was rescinded "due to controversial subject matter." Read the letter that inspired it here.

Oh, but there's so much more.

As My Daddy Always Told Me, "At Least Democrats Will Throw You a Bone."

Fossil Fuel

Farwell Quilt #2, which was inspired by a conversation between Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. You can read the very intriguing transcript here.

Who Would Jesus Bomb?

Well, readers, what do you think? Is Jo Ann's Fabrics "out of touch with their customer base," as Lipinski suggests? "When you consider that a 70-year-old could have been dancing naked at Woodstock and a 50-year-old could have been smoking pot in high school -- sometimes you have to change your marketing." Or is Lipinski just a sensationalist out to make a buck? WaPo does note that he used to be a talk show producer.

Should quilts -- generally a traditional, conservative field -- only mine the terrain of calico and wedding ring patterns? Or are penises, lynchings and angry Jesuses, appropriate fodder for material?

Drop me a note and let me know what you think!

************

UPDATE!

Totally unrelated to Quilter's Home and its collection of randy quilts, but you people have to head over to Double Takes to see the Dead Rapper quilts Lauren posted. Have to!

**************

UPDATE PART DEUX!

Totally awesome reader, Bobbi, send in scans from the mag of the quilts I didn't manage to find on the net.

Yes, those are some hot buns by Randall Cook, and a tiny baby peeking out of an orange (?!) vajayjay by Gayle McKay.

Another quilt by the very talented Gwendolyn Magree, and The L Word Quilt by Diane Johns.

Thanks Bobbi for sending in the scans, and thanks all your peeps who have written in with your own stories of censorship and strife in the quiltosphere. DC readers are the best!