Buy My $h*t Off Craigslist!

After getting contacted by a professional organizer from the Hoarders show (seriously!), I figured it might be time to confront my "issues" and punch them straight in the face. Ok, and I will sheeplishly admit that I bought yet another couch that we have absolutely no use for, and Ben finally said that enough was bleeping enough. So we spent this past weekend rearranging furniture, photographing stuff for craigslist, and dealing with a fair amount of flaky beeyotches (and some super nice folks, too). I sold half of it, but I thought I might share a few pieces of the hoard with you -- mostly for your entertainment, and also to see if you want any of this crap beautiful furniture for your home. You know you do.

I mean, who would not want this king sized peach taffeta tufted headboard with matching coverlet? Gents, just try to stop yourselves from emailing me RIGHT NOW to reserve this bad boy. This sucker begs for strawberries and fine fine champagne in bed -- not that we would ever mar this baby with our own foodstuffs.

No sir. Just look -- pristine and smooth as a baby's butt. Kind of even looks like one.

How about four vintage Saarinen style captain's chairs? Sure, they are cushionless and could use a good cleaning. Sure, for some inexplicable reason the top lifts completely out of the base when you try to pick them up (anyone out there know how to fix this?). But there are four of them. And they are hard to find. Buy them. Please.

I'm just going to give these vintage lamps to one of my friends if I can't sell them. That's how little I care about them. Oops, I mean, "that will be $60 for the pair, please."

On the other hand, I would like to get approximately one brazillion dollars for my gigantic Italian glass Marbro lamp. I didn't even bother putting it on craigslist because I know some chump would just offer me $25 for it, and that would make me very cranky. Anyone know a good dealer?

Enough with the depressing stuff that didn't sell. Let's talk about my success stories.

I made a tidy little profit off our Danish table and six janky broken chairs, sold to a guy who sweet talked me into holding it for him by bribing me with Momma cookies. He turned out to be a dealer AND I didn't get no cookies. Well, at least I'm 99% sure he was a dealer. He never actually admitted it, but he didn't deny it when I asked him point blank. He did say that it was for his own home, but I think that was a dirty dirty lie.

Should we talk about craigslist ethics, here? I mean, I don't mind working with dealers, but why lie about it? Don't be a shady bastard.

I would have to say the highlight of my weekend was selling our Mulhauser Mr. Chair to a guy who really really likes it. Plus it was his birthday and he was really hungover, which was extertaining. Plus he really liked our house, and is thinking of buying something near our neighborhood... So, in my fantasies I have already sold our house and most of the remaining contents to him and his nice wife, while the hunny and I retire to the country, comforted by the fact that our beloved ex-home is in good hands.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to be alone with my fantasies, please.

Space Age

I bet everything is clean in outer space. You can't really leave crumbs all over the counter, unless you enjoy watching space crumbs fly through the air, swirling about and forming their own little crumb galaxies and nebulae. Now that I think about it, it's probably gravity's fault that I have dirty floors. Maybe I should berate gravity and make her come clean up her mess -- You get over here, Missy, and sweep this up right now! Or I suppose I could just move to space. That would probably be easier than getting an invisible force to tidy my house.

Sadly, I don't think I'll get to move to space this year. It looks pretty far away, and I can't even fly across the country without waiting in lines and removing my shoes and getting delayed and laying over in every city between here and my destination. So what's a girl who wants to live in space now! stat! supposed to do?

OWI

I think I should just pretend that I live in space. That's me, taking a shower in my new pod. Look how clean and crumb free we are! Aren't you jealous?

Shoot Factory

Now I know that showering in a wiffle ball is not to everyone's taste, so I'm just going to go ahead and present you with an extra terrestrial roundup of down to earth proportions. I'm nothing if not accommodating.

OWI

Cote Maison

Shoot Factory

Ngoc Minh Ngo

Elle Decor

Karl Anderson

Ngoc Minh Ngo

Marie Claire Maison

Richard Powers

See? It's so easy to space out. Bust open your white paint cans, dust off your Saarinen and Panton chairs, and start spaceing it up. Personally, I think step one in my new spaceification scheme involves painting the Hunny's fugly speakers shiny gold. The Hunny is a truly peaceable creature, but if I enact said plan, he will probably knock me to the moon -- Bang! Zoom!

Mission Accomplished.

End Table Remix

Ah, the sweet beat of BAR-GAIN, SA-VINGS, DIS-COUNT -- yes those words are music to my (admittedly tone deaf) ears. Call me DJ Tightwad. Hence the glamor of 1stDibs and all of its amazing tables, rhapsodized about in my last post, is a little marred by its very extravagance. So, for all you fellow cheapskates out there, I present a day of Dibsian diamonds at cubic zirconian prices, so you can keep your bling and not go blung. Diagram 1:

People, I made graphics to illustrate the awesomeness of bargain shopping. I even did some math and stuff so I could compare apples to apples for you, my dearest readers. So it's easy to see that $350 for a pair of tables from CB2 is, oh, I don't know, a slightly better deal than $3500 for almost the exact same ones from 1stDibs. Let's calculate, shall we?

Budget Check: $3500 - $350 = $3150 worth of white V-neck American Apparel tee shirts for every day (and club-filled night) of the year. Those things are expensive, right?

Diagram 2:

Now Edward Wormley was an awesome designer and those tables are no doubt solid rosewood, but I'd be perfectly happy with these classic knockoffs tables at Home Decorators which are inspired by the originals, and are oh so sensibly priced. But if you're a true tightwad, you'll go for the stunningly cheap version from Ikea for only $12.99. It even comes in red.

Budget Check: $4000 - $280 = $3720 worth of spinner rims for your fly Toyota Prius.

Diagram 3:

Warren Platner is one of my all-time favorite designers, but until someone starts paying me to write for this blog, I'll have to stick to the similarly awesome Tornado tables from CB2, which were pretty inexpensive to begin with, but now that they're on sale they are downright thriftacular! I almost feel like it's my duty to buy them, like I must for the good of bargain hunters everywhere, but I will admit that I'd spend a few extra dollars on oversized glass tops to give these babies some extra presence.

Budget Check: $3400 - $160 = $3240 worth of Stunna Shades. I wear my sunglasses at night.

Diagram 4:

The Deal Hunter blogged about tubular steel tables some time ago, and while I'm not totally convinced on their awesomeness, Overstock really does a great job of magnetically attracting my credit card number with their low prices, spectacularly FREE shipping (there's always a coupon online to knock the nominal $2.95 charge off your total), and rockin' customer service. No, this is not an infomercial, I really do heart Overstock. Too much.

Budget Check: $1800 - $130 = $1670 worth of high top neon Nike Dunks. If only Overstock sold those, too.

Diagram 5:

The ubiquitous Saarinen tables, featured in just about every contemporary decor magazine. Actually they're feeling pretty overused, but hey, I've got one (not an original!), so who am I to prevent you from getting one, too? Here's how to get your own: Pier One. Fo' realz. Spray paint that baby white and you're good to go. Of course there are so many different versions out there; CB2 sells one for even less, but I don't care for the legs on that one. Whatever -- you can cruise their site and decide for yourself.

Budget Check: $1100 - $129 = $971 worth of Kanye West itunes. Disseminate Stronger to the entire world, yo!

Diagram 6:

Ok, to get the original tables' look, this requires a little DIY action, but stay with me... you can do it! So the 1stDibs tables have marble tops and the lovely but plain West Elm versions do not. Why not grout and tile the tops of the less expensive versions? A mosaic would be interesting. Or you could wedge a cool piece of artwork -- like an abstract mod screenprint -- between a piece of glass and the tabletop. Can you dig it?

Budget Check: $2200 - $320 = $1880 worth of subwoofers. Try not to blow the glass off your new tables!

Diagram A Million:

Yeah, this one might take some vision, but I'm sure you can see the very large "FOURTEEN THOUSAND" in the picture above. Who are these people kidding? Driftwood, pine cones, seashells and white paint? Check, check, check and check, thanks in large part to Twiggie.org. After you finish your handiwork, you can laugh all the way to the bank.

Budget Check: $14,000 - $400 = enough to throw your friends a huge party, and maybe enough to book Prince as the headliner. Isn't fiscal responsibility fun?