Panic Attraction

OH MY GOD, the swine flu is coming! The swiiiiiine fluuuuu! Everybody FREAK OUT. RUN. HIDE!!!!!!!! Remember SARS? The avian flu? West Nile virus? All those other pandemics that resulted more in spiked ratings for the major news networks than in spiked fevers for you and me? Well, this just in: THE SWINE FLU IS NO MORE DANGEROUS THAN THE REGULAR FLU. Sure, the flu sucks -- just ask Karly. Hell, she may have even had the swine flu for all we know, but she is still alive (trust me on this. I'm way too lazy to write posts for her).

So just chill, panicked people. Besides, wouldn't you rather look like this:

Than this?

I mean, those masks are just tacky, and what is the point of touching your infected mask to another infected mask? It's like two nasty sponges mingling in a disgusting, germy sex dance. Gross.

And really, what do we have against viruses anyway? They're kind of pretty.

Awwww, look at that cuddly little guy floating around in there! Maybe the swine flu is just looking for love in all the wrong places? So, today let us celebrate the beauty of nature's most resilient replicator in all its inspired glory. This flu's for you.

Viruses really are elegant examples of design. Stuff some DNA in a hard protein casing, and voila: Bacteriophagearrific! Even Philippe Starck knew to borrow from the basics -- his virus-inspired juicer for Alessi remains one of his most classic creations.

And really, no one can blame little ol' DNA for the flu. Because ATCG combined is one bad motherfu -- What? I'm just talking 'bout the building blocks of life! DNA Lamps by Next.

What that DNA can do is just magical -- slimey oozy gooey, groovy. New Order Chair by Jerszy Seymour for Vitra.

And who's afraid of a few extra mutations here and there? There's just more to snuggle up to, in my opinion. Chernobyl Doll by Jaime Pitarch.

This pretty shiny chair by Richard Hutten looks so much like our swine flu buddy that it should be named "Swiney for your Heiny." I think it has a ring to it, don't you?

Check out the Contamination series of ceramics by Tamsin Van Essin. Ok, so the designs were inspired by bacterial colonies, and I really have no clue how bacteria work except that they're anaerobic or something like that (bio was a LONG time ago, ok?), but today bacteria is also getting a free pass. E Coli = E Cool!

Bom chicka bom bom, these aluminum cast tables from Reddish Studio make sickly look sexy.

Pretty soon the whole world is going to look like this anyway, so there's really no use fighting the new germ order. Third Space by the Academy of Fine Arts in Munich.

So, throw away all those creepy masks and pesky latex gloves, and join the viral revolution. Glove Lamp by Katarina Britse.

And while you're at it, kiss a pig for me.

Resolving to Tear. It. Up.

I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions.  Seriously, I have enough guilt already, I don't need to make myself feel even worse by failing to cease one of my (really not that bad) vices.  Besides, when was the last time you ran into someone in August who looked all crazy fit and they said "yeah, it was my New Year's resolution to stop drinking, eat healthy, and go to the gym"?  Don't lie, it was never.

I do think, however, that the New Year is a grand time to look back on the last year to consider what you've accomplished and compare that to what you'd like to achieve.  This is where the drinking comes in.  Once you've nursed your hangover it's time to get crackin.  I have lots of goals delusions of grandure both personal and professional for 2009 but I also have a ridiculous list of crap I need to take care of around the house.  Mainly, some big, expensive, overly-involved renovations.  I swear on all things holy, I will not let 2010 peak it's ugly head around the corner until my guest bathroom is completely gutted and looks a little more like one of these rooms:

Because I'm working with a laughable budget and Matt is a genius with concrete, I'm guessing there's going to be a lot of this going on.  Minus the lame bench and utterly useless mini-counter.

Overt your eyes from the vassal sinks and focus on the counter, tub and poufy things.  See, concrete, not so bad. 

But then again, I do love the idea of a concrete floor and tub juxtaposed against a wooden counter:

Murdock Young

Don't give me none of your "where do you put your junk" jive talk.  Here are some solutions:

Living Etc

Nothing makes my heart race like neatly folded, matching linens.  Sigh. Of course, one day I'm going to have a gaggle of kids running hay-wire around this joint so I may need something a bit more practical:

Nice.  But in dream fantasy land, this Nakashima style counter would be the crown jewel of my bath:

I know, I know, why bother even showing another bathroom after this, it's potty perfection.  But we'll move on none-the-less:

Living Etc

Lemme tell you,  I really don't like chandeliers in bathrooms.  And don't try to sell me on those new-fangled chandelier shower heads either, they're even worse.  It's like, I'm trying to relax and take a bath then BAMB!  I'm assaulted with an electrocution fantasy.  You're talking to a girl who shuts the toilet lid when she blow-dries her hair, so, nope, no convincing.

Here are some other things I don't want in my salle de bain:

• Glass or fancy painted vassal sinks.  Or any other vassal sinks.  I'm ok with raised sinks, but no bowls, please.
• Anything not gold.  
• A big deep cabinet, common in rentals.  Hey home builders:  these things are too deep.  All the stuff in the front gets knocked over when we're trying to reach to the back.  A cabinet should be no deeper than a towel folded in quarters (the only way to fold a towel, right?)
• pedestal sinks.  pretty, yes, functional, no.

Here is what I do like:

point click home

God give me the strength not to knock down all the walls in my home in order to achieve this look.  Breathtaking.  And, well, are we sure the kids will need cabinet doors?

Since I don't have the stunning view, a wall treatment link this should do the trick:

I'm going to pass on the clock and the embroidered "sanctuary" towels.  Gross.

A big, bold shower curtain should liven up the joint, too:

via decorology

While I'm not a fan of the country-cute, I'm not too mad at the idea of patch-work.  What I really love about this curtain is the scale.  I want mine to reach all the way to the top of my 10-foot ceiling.  Lika-so:

Ok, you got me:  it's not a bathroom, but that is EXACTLY what I want my shower curtain to look like.

And it shall surround this tub:

Gruppo Treesse

I love how the legs look all robot-y.  Ok, ok, we're scratching everything and moving in a new direction:  Gold Transformers!  I want everything to look like a giant pixelated transformer dipped in gold.  Where are my smelling salts??!!

Philippe Starck via Desire to Inspire

If I can't wrangle a bunch of shiny robot toiletries, this Starck tub should fill the void.

Or, I could just scrap the tup altogether:

Left: Murdock Young; Right: Sorry dude, I can't remember where I found this.

Ok, so there's a tub on the left, but that oval glass shower is clearly the star.  And yes, I know, I know, kids need a tub.  What's with those babies, why can't they just shower like normal people?  And get jobs?

When I was in Virginia in October, my mom and I went to go pick out faucets for her renovation project. Surprisingly, she didn't choose any of my selections:

Note:  that dolphin comes in gold.

Who says no to a gilded dragon head faucet?  A crazy mother with "professional architects" that's who.  Whateves ma, you're going to be crying a river of tears when we have the renovation face-off.

And finally, just so you can get a firm grip on what I'm up against, here's the dreaded bathroom as it stands today:

See, it's going to be great, so long as we get rid of every. single. thing. in there.

There you have it, 2009 goal numero uno.   Of course, if I were going to make a real-life, honest-to-gosh resolution, it would surly be one that all of you would appreciate:  I would work on my spelling.  But, hey, I've managed 30 years without knowing the difference between sense and since, what's one more?   

Have a Rootin' Tootin' Shootin' Good Time

Tomorrow we leave town on our annual Thanksgiving pilgrimage. Every year my enormous family congregates at our farm near Texarkana, and we all enjoy good food, good company, and lots of redneckified activities, like ridin' four wheelers, burnin' stuff, and shootin' up a storm. I'm all about the four wheelers and any activities involving fire, but despite early indoctrination (I first shot a Glock at eight), I'm more than a little squeamish about guns. Because the only ass that's getting a cap busted in it is probably mine. Despite my misgivings, I really want to join in the fun. But I'm not even going to consider picking up a gun unless it looks like one of these:

(via Xirdalium)

Because, you see, everything does not look better in black. In fact, many things look good in pink and aqua with leopard on top, and there ain't nothing that don't look better in gold. No kind of thing.

Even though I was an eight year old badass with the hard black heart of an assassin, as a 32 year old wussy I may need to slowly ease my way back into the game. You know, get my feet wet. Try on some training wheels for size.

(via Glamguns)

Pretty pink Hello Kitty knows how to make a girl feel soft and feminine, but everyone knows that bitch can fight when backed into a corner. Watch out for the claws when they come out! Pft!

Who am I kidding? I may need to start out even... slower. Like, really slow. Like, more decorative, less lethal, slow.

(via A+R Store)

This paper AK-47 is probably a little more my speed. Pretty, but ineffectual. I'll look really cool while holding it, but self inflicted injuries will be kept to a minimum. Now we rollin! Dog.

Honestly, I kind of prefer the more old school weaponry. A little more Wild Wild West, with saloons and spurs, and weapons that aren't in the least automatic. Although the lack of modern medical technology is a definite minus for the accident prone. Wonder who that might be...

Awwwww yeah. Bet you thought I forgot this was a design blog! What have we here? Winchester shot glasses from Amazon, which are potentially lethal in a totally different way; A pistol shaped remote control seen at Design Boner that my dad would kill for; the uber slick "Smoking Gun" via This Next; and Jonathan Adler's whimsical needlepoint pillow, adored by pistol packin' grandmas everywhere.

Of course, my newfound frippery would look fabulous against this old-school-meets-young-stunna backdrop:

Designer Wallcovering carries Thug Stripe black and white gun wallpaper. Yes, please. And I have just the thing to cast a perfect, decoratively violent, glow upon it.

Rock and Royal (purveyors of the OG nefarious pirate ship chandelier) think that everything looks better under crystal, and they can glue, string, stitch, or wire it together in just about any configuration imaginable. I'm just not sure if I like the AK or the snub nosed pistol better:

Whereas the AK is sharp and pointy, the pistol is so soothing and unassuming. It says, "What, me? Dangerous? Never." Kind of like that douchebag boy you dated in high school, and you remember how that turned out. Alrighty, AK it is!

Or maybe I don't want any guns hanging over my head. They don't exactly connote the same sense of imminent death that, say, a guillotine might. Still, there are only a few wires keeping that barrel off my neck. Perhaps I'd be better off with something gravity bound.

I blogged about this super fly gold table lamp by Philippe Starck a hundred million years ago, but time has done little to assuage my lust. I like that the business end is pointed up. I like gold. I like fetishize guns. Enough said.

But if I'm being realistic, I'd probably get the most use (and street cred) out of this little number:

(via Trendhunter)

Everyone respects a gun-shaped flask full of tequila. Especially during the holidays.