Soft Stuff

Since I've had a kid, our tiny world has suddenly become a treacherous place. Whereas I used to see only beauty in my 60s walnut Lane end tables, now I see very sharp corners for baby's head to fall on. Brian, my super awesome golden deer, has needle like hooves destined to impale him in the chest. And of course my tall vintage lamps look ready to rain down sharp shards of glass knives into little Ike's eyeballs. Not that I worry much. Or watch horror movies. Still, I've had way too much time to think about this, so I've decided what I should do is cover everything in padding. Everything.

Yeah, like that. Jurgen Bey is my new hero, because did I mention that I have a spiky snake plant that is sure to spear my precious dude? Obviously I should cover it in soft felt, right?

I also have this killer ornate gold headboard. As in literally killer. Maybe I should replace it with this witty stuffed gold fabric rendition by Alessandra Baldereschi. I plan to lose the cacti, though.

Baldereschi also has dinner time covered with this quilted placemat. Do you think it would be possible to eat with fabric cutlery, as well? To hell with sanitary conditions.

Hopefully he will never be tall enough to reach a doorknob (I plan on raising an elf, and it might happen, because I am not a tall person. And I have pointy ears), but if he ever does get that big, I'm padding my doors, post haste. On the left is a groovy vinyl door via flickr user sgrah, and on the right, a door at the Kenmore Arms.

Kiki van Eijk obviously has small children -- or perhaps even some cats she reallly cares about -- because the lady covers everything in a layer of softness. To wit, check out this rad padded chest of drawers.

She gets major bonus points for making it in black and gold.

This padded dressing table will surely keep baby safe while Mommie Dearest applies her lipstick. Don't worry -- there will only be padded hangers allowed. NO WIRE HANGERS!

Look, Kiki is so concerned with our safety that she ever makes a "soft" teapot. Sadly, it's actually made of ceramic and the softness is but an illusion, designed to induce false feelings of comfort. Damn you, Kiki, I thought you had my back!

Just kidding, Kiki. I know it's a tough job protecting the soft, fleshy parts of of tiny, vulnerable humans. That's why I think I just need to go full throttle, comme ca:

I already feel like I'm living in a mental institution anyway, so this padded cell room I blogged about here might just be the best solution to the problem. Obviously I would have to lock the door to the bathroom, since water and hard floors spell Danger. But Ike's already in diapers and I'm sure he would never know the difference if we kept him in them a little longer, right? I figure that maybe by the time he turns 18 he'll be able to leave the cell room and venture out into the world.

As long as he's wearing his bubble.

Seat Treats

Because we are not four legged creatures and gravity is a bitch, us bipeds need to take a load off and rest our tushies now and then. Small wonder, then, that there is nothing more reimagined, recycled and redesigned than the humble chair.

(Per Ranung)

But chairs are not content to be merely functional; they are the shoes of the furniture world. You can't have just one pair -- oh no. If you're like me, you can't even walk into a thrift store without picking up a stray or two, because who can resist a sad, lonely chair with good bones, just begging for a spit shine and new fabric? Evidence of my obsession lives throughout the house. And the garage. And the shed out back. And now that I am stuffed to the gills with chairtastic finds, I get busy convincing my friends that they need such and such chair. It is a disease, I tell you.

So while I may not have a spare square inch left for these beauties, I though I'd share some sweet fantasy finds with you guys. Who knows? Maybe you could provide a good home for these fellas.

Jurgen Bey is a master of transformative chair design. He takes a simple, recognizable form and ratchets up the crazy a notch or two with this chair designed for his Fitness Flat exhibition. You know you want grandma to crochet you a snake coozy for your dusty shaker chair, don't you?

Bey is also responsible for the cultured neanderthal look shown in this Suzy Hoodless designed room. The Tree Trunk Bench costs $15,700, but let me tell you a secret: it's just a log with some chair backs stuck on it. Who wants to make one and send us the pics?

Fredrik Farg gave these classic shapes a glamorous boost with dressy details. Thrift store finds were reupholstered with suiting details and me likey.

(OWI)

This ain't no hollaback chair -- this beauty was destined to be noticed on the initial cruise through the store and will always have first pick of admirers. Mmmm, her purple tufted wings make my heart sing with lust. I can think of a few chairs I'd kick to the curb to make room for her, but shhhhh, don't let them know just yet...

You can't talk hot chairs without mentioning Jaime Hayon. Homeboy knows how to tweak a form to bring out the best in chairness.

He also knows how to pimp the goods, like this slutty red chair he designed for Camper. Hello, sexy!

(Stephen Randazzo)

While I appreciate and desire chair bling, a well designed form will always be on point, much like a classic piece of sculpture. Old school boyz Bertoia and Eames knew a thing or two about how to make a lasting impression.

And sometimes the right chair is like the perfect piece of jewelry. This home photographed by Tom Scheerer isn't really my style, but that El Greco-esque attenuated chair takes the whole room to another, edgier level. What I wouldn't give for a set of six of those babies...

But, of course, I will always be drawn to the weird and unattainable, like this Cow Chair designed by Niels van Eijk, via Droog Design. I don't think I'll be getting one of these anytime soon unless someone slaughters a cow and sends me the entire hide in one piece. I'm pretty sure I can take it from there.

And then there's this. It's a frame! It's a chair! It's my butt in the Mona Lisa's face! Somehow that doesn't seem quite right. What do you think?

On the other hand, I feel pretty confident that this Coin Chair by Johnny Swing is a solid investment. Welded from 1500 half dollar coins, it costs a mere $59,000. Yes, that is more than $58,000 in profit for the artiste, but humor in the face of a mounting recession is priceless, right? Right.