Got Money? Old Money

I am a bargain hunter. A recessionista. A hardcore frugal shopper through and through, down to my very pith and marrow. Without the holy trinity of Craigslist, Ebay and thrifting, I would own a rug, some pillows and sheets. Oh, and those all came from Overstock -- bought with internet coupons, of course. Most of the time, I get high off scoring big ticket items on a budget, but lately I've been feeling a little resentful of my staunchly middle class life. I kinda wish I was born rich. Hell, while I'm outing myself as a class traitor and a jackass, make that stinking, filthy rich.

Simon Upton

Before I launch into this embarrassing ridiculousness, let me first apologize and say: World, I know how lucky I am to be solidly middle class. Really. I honestly, truly do. However, there is nothing like house hunting to give you a case of the green meanies. Once you really start looking, "I can make do" turns into "I want," and then "I NEED," super ultra fast. Ok, I'm done with the bourgeois guilt. Let's play: pretend we're rich old money. On a budget.

Step 1: You are probably going to need a Chesterfield sofa.

Y'all, Chesterfield sofas are expen$ive. Coming in at under $1100 including shipping, this version from Zuo Modern won't (totally) break your piggy bank. Yes, the black is perfectly serviceable and moneyed, but the silver option would be Kapow Zing. Of course, bling like that is for tawdry nouveau richies, only. (Thanks, Raina, for the tip!)

Now, add in a couple of pastoral accessories and we're in business:

Beth Dow 11x14 print, $50 at 20x200

Pendleton 5th Avenue Throw, $128. Looks so casual fancy you can practically smell the Benjamins stacked high in the safe behind Grandma's portrait.

Step 2: You definitely need an old family portrait. At least to hide the safe.

Mads Morgensen

Greg Natale

Ilse Crawford

Gunkelman Flesher

Eye Spy

What's the matter? Don't have an antique oil painting of great great great grandfather Alistair McScarypants? Yeah, me neither. I come from a long line of farmers and drunken Irishmen, which is charming, but not so heavy on the heirlooms. How about a painting of your loyal servant in Grandpa's stead?

Aw, Baxter never looked so handsome. Bonus: rich people love dogs! But don't bother getting Scruffy the pound puppy's portrait painted. Pedigree matters. Custom oil painted portraits of your pet by Johnspaintings on Etsy, $120.

Step 3: Get a pony. Preferably one that wins prizes and things. Or catches foxes.

Simon Upton

What, fools? Did you think I was going to tell you how to buy a horse on the cheap? Sorry, I'm a blogger, not a magician. But I can direct you to these fine equine inspired products:

Wary Meyers Horse print, $75. Lewis and Wood Equus print wallpaper and fabric. Priced in pounds, so don't ask me how much it costs. I'm a blogger, not a mathematician. Oh, and don't forget to buy Karly's horse print. It's extra nice.

Urban Outfitters Equestrian Rainboots, perfect for navigating horse poop and rain puddles, $48.

Step 4: You're going to need more wallpapered and upholstered prints. Way more prints.

Francois Halard

I will always have a soft spot for crazy scenic prints, but for the love of all that's British tinged Americana: no toile de jouy. This look is more English country or Connecticut Regency (yes, I just made that up) than Marie Antoinette. Lewis and Wood papers and fabrics keep the hunting look alive. Let's hope the foxes fare as well.

Also, prints should swath everything that can be swathed. Ikea's Hovas chair is the perfect candidate for an obnoxious floral print. Plus at $499, it's keeping (most of) your hard earned, middle class money in the bank. Bonus: the slipcovers provide ready made patterns for all you folks with sewing skills. Kaching! That's the sound of all the money I just saved you.

Elle Decor.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I kind of love the way it makes my eyes vibrate.

Step 5: Get an indoor pool.

Diamond Baratta

No, your membership to the Y is not going to cut it. Rich people like to summer away... away from what, I'm not sure. Away from their mansions? Away from their servants and beautifully kept grounds? It defies logic, but there it is.

I'm afraid this is where I become markedly unhelpful. Dammit, y'all -- I'm a blogger, not a third generation investment banker, or an oil tycoon, or a Mayflower descendant. If I were, I'd invite you over to my indoor pool for cocktails and water polo. But you see, there are some things that just can't be faked in the quest to live like old money. Indoor pools -- along with owning your own airstrip, having a township named after your ancestors, or knowing how to play squash -- belong only in the provenance of the super duper rich.

Whatever. I don't need to be rich. I'll always have... something.

I'll let you know what that is as soon as I figure it out.

Do Not Pass Go Do Not Collect $200

News broke yesterday that Lil Wayne will pacing the cell blog for the next year simply for following the #1 rule of hip hop:  always stay strapped.  That's right, apparently Lil Weezy was packing heat, some things happened, karly didn't read the entire report and yadda yadda yadda, Wayne is going to the big house for a year. When Erin and I emailed about the big news and the fact that it most certainly should be the topic for a blog post I think we both imagined solid gold bunk beds, diamond encrusted urinals, and swavorski crystal shanks.  Unfortunately, most of those items don't exist.  I say most because I'm sure there is a urinal out there ghetto fab enough for this post and I bet some asshat has bedazzled a shiv and posted a picture online, but whatever.  Rather than hunting down a bunch of hood cell accessories, I thought I would show you a few simple ways you can live like your favorite tiny rapper for the next year.  Because we all want to live like the stars, right?

I would suggest a few choice nights at the Liberty Hotel in Boston.  Formerly a state prison, the Liberty's lobby is very promising, however

the rooms are so normal-fancy I believe you would be insulting Lil Wayne by staying here in homage.

Instead, might I suggest the more appropriately styled Alcatraz Hotel in Germany.  Also built in a former prison, the Alcatraz promises it's guests a true jail house feeling.  No word on lock down or mandatory girlfriend status.

I get the feeling that you could really compose a number one hit single there in the room on the right.

And the hotel bar doesn't look like such a bad place to pour one out for your incarcerated homie.  Hopefully they dim the lights at night.  Afterall, this is fake prison and no one looks good with all that overhead action happening.

If you're a Lil Wayne fan who also happens to find herself looking for a youth hostel in Ljubljana, Slovenia, well then, look no further than Hostel Celica.  This former military prison has 20 rooms to choose from and guests can stay up to 20 nights.  I really want to call the one with the twirly thing on the ceiling, but the soft lighting in room #1 is where I could probably feel most at one with my teeny tiny Wayne.

If you don't have much time for travel this season but still want a taste of the prison life, you could always stock up your kitchen with the Sing Sing Tray by David Weeks.  An exact replica of the (oh, ah) trays used in New York's most notorious prison.

And just to authenticate the experience, you could gaze at these photos of prisoner's last meals by James Reynolds while eating off your tray.  Good lord, at this point you're practically carrying Lil Wayne's baby you're so connected.

I'm telling you, everyone is trying to find their own way to relate to the soon to be locked up Wayne.  Even Calvin Klein debuted his spring line in a defunct Singapore prison.

Let's just hope that CK had the good sense to tattoo some tear drops on his models faces lest he run the risk of showing poor form.

So, what do you say?  How will you be managing the tragedy of Lil Wayne's prison sentence?

More Yves Klein Sightings

Maybe it's because my first decorating debacle was painting our living room Blue Tequila, but blue is not my favorite color. I know I'm in the minority, and I'm sure I'll have many opportunities to revisit that statement since turquoise is Pantone's color for the year, but for now I'm sticking to my story. Blue is sentimental. Flat. Candace Olsen. It just leaves me cold. There are exceptions to my personal ban on blue, though: Kelly Wearstler's Avalon Hotel, Raina's Newburyport Blue bedroom, and anything International Yves Klein Blue.

Brown Davis

Those of you who have been reading this blog forever know I am OBSESSED with Yves Klein and his badass blue. Everyone else can read these posts I wrote 800 million years ago here and here and here. It's because IYKB is otherwordly. Klein Blue's super special combination of pigments vibrate with an intensity that most skimpy, wimpy blues lack. Would I paint my entire home IYKB? Well, no. I want to visit outer space, not live there.

Christoph Theurer

A little touch of IYKB here and there would make me an intergalactic tourist, and that suits me just fine. I especially love Yves Klein's modern reinterpretation of classical sculptures, which are perennial favorites of well heeled collectors.

OWI

Look expensive? That would be because they are HELLACIOUSLY expensive. Guess what's also expensive?

Architectural Digest

A lucite coffee table chock full of Yves Klein Blue pixie dust. Oh, and this fancy pad belongs to Kevin Roberts, the CEO of Saatchi and Saatchi, so YES. The globe is also an Yves Klein piece, because homedude is crazyballs rich, that's why.

Cote Maison via Lampshade

Chicago Home Mag

1st Dibs has one for $24,000. Come on, you know you want it...

Of course nothing tops the rarity of Klein's Anthropometres paintings, since they represent the imprint of an experience and are not reproducible. In other words, Klein greased up some sexy babes with IYKB paint and drug them around a piece of paper. I smell an art project coming on...

Walso Fernandez

Aaron Hom

An Yves Klein poster is really more in my price point.

Living Etc

Perhaps the best thing about IYKB is that it's just a color -- maybe Pantone 286, to be exact? Steal from the best. Get some shockingly blue paint and start spreading the sexy. Even that damn cardboard deer head looks better in Klein Blue.

OWI

Amanda Nisbet

Studio Ilse

Damian Russell

Or if you're a fancy beast, they make blue upholstery, too.

1st Dib owner Michael Bruno's Apartment

Greg Natale

Amie Weitzman

Cote Maison

And of course, sometimes just a dab will do you.

Whew, dudes, did you see all those pictures? This post was a labor of love. As in, I literally feel like I just squeezed out a giant blue baby. But my obsession with IYKB deserved the full treatment, so I'm just going to pat and coo and love this big blue spawn, because he's such a handsome boy. Yes he is. Now, go forth and paint something Klein Blue. Make mama proud.