Heaven Knows This Is the Hartland

Apparently I did not get my copy of The Handbook On Texas Decor, but thankfully the Hart family is here to tell its story in pictures:

Ex evangelical preacher and gospel singer Toni Hart, shown here with her grandson and sons Daniel, Garry and Larry (Larry, Darryl and Darryl, anyone?), knows a thing or two about living high on the hog, Lone Star State style -- even though she resides in Vegas. When asked why she needed 13 bathrooms, a talking cardboard Elvis, plasterwork that would make Louis XIV blush, and hot glued trim on everything, Ms. Hart replied, "I'm just from Texas. I like it big."

"Big" means a living room so large it needs an EXIT sign over the door.

"Big" means a bedazzled 34 pound bedspread so heavy that Ms. Hart sleeps in a condo elsewhere, to avoid suffocating under the weight of all that bling blung.

"Big" means funereal swags of dried flowers and a shitload of plaster detailing executed by her son Larry, who used a heavy hand when wielding a plaster filled cake icer. No joke.

Perhaps in a show of Texan solidarity, I like this Larry character. A self professed gluer of "things to other things," Larry is a DIY Liberace.

Literally. He glued every single shiny scrap of mirror to that piano.

He even made all the bedding, drapes and upholstery, for The Velvet Room himself. Not that he's above shopping for premade bargains -- "All my family has a black belt in shopping, and we have radar when something is 70 percent off."

To wit -- the headboard was bought for $15, and the table lamps for $10 each. But what I really want to know is, where can I get those swan planters?

It's tacky as all get out, but a little piece of me thinks it might be fun to run rampant in this HALF ACRE sized, hot glued house. Just look at those checkerboard floors! You know, with different chairs, different fabric on the ceiling, a different light fixture, and different styling, it could be fabulous.

And who doesn't want their own indoor pool, surrounded by spectators? It's FESTIVE, for crying out loud.

All this -- and more! -- can be yours for the low low price of $8.5 million dollars. Not bad for a 25,500 square foot house, which is twice as big as my Texas sized yard. I think I'm ready to move in.

Hellfire ya'll, Texans are nothing if not friendly. I'm down for some company -- who's with me?

Towards a New Geometry

Bang, bang, Baroque is dead. There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is Euclid. Along with Deputy Pythagoras, Sheriff Euclid is here to promote order -- no blurry lines for this straight edged law man. Still, Euclid ain't afraid to loosen up and get all scalene in the hizzy. So bust out your protractors and compasses, and don't forget to bring your perpendicular polygons. Kids, we're gonna wax axiomatic today.

Softly rounded biomorphic ribbon chairs by Pierre Paulin are the perfect foil to hard angles. via Karl Anderson.

Hot shiny circumference supported by sexy supplementary angles = featherweight heavy hitter. Geo Side Table by West Elm, $199.

Kelly Wearstler knows a thing or two about balancing solid forms. I love this idea. Going to tell The Hunny to bust out his whittling knife and get busy.

Who wants a piece of the Pi? Just don't forget to square the radius, or you may end up with a wimpy circumference. via Ngoc Minh Ngo

These wee Hexpods would be fab dangling from fishline, forming a constellation of acute angled beauty. I would paint them gold and silver and hang them in front of a black wall. Small Hexpod is $9.95 from CB2.

Hexagons and rhombuses, unite! via Ruy Teixeria

Chad Hagen's Nonsensical Infographic No. 1 may not prove any corollaries, but it does demonstrate how beautiful spatial relationships can be. Prints available through 20x200.

No funny stuff, just crushing on these rectangles. I want this painting bad. via Ngoc Minh Ngo.

Apparently the home owner never leaves his house. I wouldn't either if I had a pool flanked by these mirrored isosceles megaliths. via OWI

I'm considering this rug for my redesigned living room. It's probably too busy, but think of how much cat hair it would hide. Ikea Stockholm Rug, $229.

Wouldn't it be awesome if just one window in your house had beevision? You have to appreciate how orderly those little captains of industry are. via Ruy Teixeira.

Balance. Mathematical perfection can come from a paint can. via Christoph Theurer

Boho Geo Fringe Pillow courtesy of Urban Outfitters, $38. Love it.

This is quite possibly the coolest bathroom I have ever seen. Something tells me I can't get those cabinets from Ikea, but that's not going to stop me from lusting after their trapezoidal beauty. via Christoph Theurer

That's it for today's roundup. Hopefully you were all able to follow along, and are prepared to take a pop quiz. Questions: What do you think of this new trend? Do you mourn the absence of curlicues? Could geo peacefully coexisit with flowery damask?

Carpet Puncher

Is there anything less appealing than sculpted, 30 year old carpet in mottled shades of hamster hair brown and band aid beige? True, the latest house for sale that The Hunny and I toured was not as spectacular a fail as the house with a tree growing through the middle of the kitchen, but it had its own share of disgusting idiosyncrasies. Carpet, carpet everywhere -- in the living areas, the hallways, the bedrooms, even the bathrooms (shudder). As I walked from room to room I felt the gentle crunch underfoot of 30 years worth of dirt, skin and dog hair, and even though I could see past the home's prairie wallpaper, its frilly curtains, cheap plywood cabinets, even its popcorn ceilings, the carpet raised my hackles and left me with a scratchy, hairball feeling in the back of my throat. I wanted to rip that shit out in a rage and punch it in its face.

Doesn't this carpet look like dog farts?

Sadly, we are not highrollers. But we want a big house in a good neighborhood with a huge, wooded yard. For cheap. So we're probably going to have to fix up whatever we buy, and flooring will most likely top the list. Although we're passing on the farty carpet house, it did get me to thinking: what if we did buy it and renovate? What would we replace 2500 sq ft of carpet with? Hardwoods are expensive, but to me they're worth putting in living areas. But what about the bedrooms?

What about... carpet?

This isn't so bad, is it?

Not my favorite bedroom in the world, but I don't hate the sisal at all.

And it's not like I couldn't layer other rugs over it. Ok, maybe not the zebra...

But this doesn't make me angry (just pretend the sisal runs wall to wall -- you can do it, mental giants). And carpet would be cheaper than wood, right? Well, probably not the carpet I would want...

I would not kick Kelly Wearstler's carpet out of my bedroom.

Or could you imagine having something like this running wall to wall in your bedroom? Kelly Wearstler's guest house makes me want to swathe everything in neutral patterns.

If you really had vision (and money to burn), you could even go super bold, like the wall to wall carpet in this Mary MacDonald room.

Hey, did I malign sculpted carpet earlier? Perhaps it's not so bad after all.

So, what do y'all think about carpet? Could it ever look modern? How about in a super nice sculpted berber or a sisal? Does anyone out there have fancy carpet? Did it cost 500 zillion dollars?

Am I crazy for even thinking about this?