Heaven Knows This Is the Hartland

Apparently I did not get my copy of The Handbook On Texas Decor, but thankfully the Hart family is here to tell its story in pictures:

Ex evangelical preacher and gospel singer Toni Hart, shown here with her grandson and sons Daniel, Garry and Larry (Larry, Darryl and Darryl, anyone?), knows a thing or two about living high on the hog, Lone Star State style -- even though she resides in Vegas. When asked why she needed 13 bathrooms, a talking cardboard Elvis, plasterwork that would make Louis XIV blush, and hot glued trim on everything, Ms. Hart replied, "I'm just from Texas. I like it big."

"Big" means a living room so large it needs an EXIT sign over the door.

"Big" means a bedazzled 34 pound bedspread so heavy that Ms. Hart sleeps in a condo elsewhere, to avoid suffocating under the weight of all that bling blung.

"Big" means funereal swags of dried flowers and a shitload of plaster detailing executed by her son Larry, who used a heavy hand when wielding a plaster filled cake icer. No joke.

Perhaps in a show of Texan solidarity, I like this Larry character. A self professed gluer of "things to other things," Larry is a DIY Liberace.

Literally. He glued every single shiny scrap of mirror to that piano.

He even made all the bedding, drapes and upholstery, for The Velvet Room himself. Not that he's above shopping for premade bargains -- "All my family has a black belt in shopping, and we have radar when something is 70 percent off."

To wit -- the headboard was bought for $15, and the table lamps for $10 each. But what I really want to know is, where can I get those swan planters?

It's tacky as all get out, but a little piece of me thinks it might be fun to run rampant in this HALF ACRE sized, hot glued house. Just look at those checkerboard floors! You know, with different chairs, different fabric on the ceiling, a different light fixture, and different styling, it could be fabulous.

And who doesn't want their own indoor pool, surrounded by spectators? It's FESTIVE, for crying out loud.

All this -- and more! -- can be yours for the low low price of $8.5 million dollars. Not bad for a 25,500 square foot house, which is twice as big as my Texas sized yard. I think I'm ready to move in.

Hellfire ya'll, Texans are nothing if not friendly. I'm down for some company -- who's with me?

Friday on a Tuesday

The post I have for you today is looks a lot more like a Friday post (short, sweet, pretty) then a Tuesday post (long, labored, totally hilarious) but, you see, I was working on a traditional Tuesday-style post when I came across this Friday-style content and I just could not keep it secret until the end of the week. I don't even think I heard a word of the song in this video I was so enchanted by all the scenes.  If you're at the office, turn off the volume, you don't need it, it's just that rad

70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L'Ogre on Vimeo.

Normally the recreation of famous works of art in a music video would get a giant eye roll from me, but I like that these dudes aren't taking themselves too seriously or trying to show off their art history knowledge.  It's just fun.  I like it.

Thursday you'll get a long post.  Promise.

Put the Ike in Ikea

Today marks day one of The Hunny's stupid week long business trip to LA, which means for the next five days it'll just be me and precious Baby Ike. Now I'm not a religious person, but I do believe I just crossed myself all Father, Son and Holy Ghost, style. Anyhoo, Karly promised to think about maybe possibly potentially accompanying me and the babe on an Ikea shopping spree this Friday, which would be Ike's second trip to Ikea although he visited at least 867 times in utero. In fact, we went so often while renovating the kitchen that we may have named our firstborn son after Ikea (he's going to love this story when he gets older). These days I can't just jet off to Austin's northernmost reaches whenever I feel like it -- I have to PLAN, so I think I'm going to get started by typing up my dreamboat shopping list. Some of these things might get boughten, and some of them might not. By Friday, I will probably be playing fast and loose with the credit card, but I can always claim delirium as an excuse.

Part Most of Ikea's allure lies in its flagrant cheapitude. Clockwise from top left: the Fado pendant light will be going over the kitchen sink (but you know I will be painting that hardware a bronzy gold), Gilda pillows for the living room, yet more Aina linen curtains to form a giant sexy curtain wall behind my bed, and loads of Elly dishtowels.

I have no use whatsoever for either of these new Ikea Charlotta fabrics, but I am in love, sweet love, with both of them, especially the Block print on the left.

How adorable is Ikea's new Dekad alarm clock? As if I needed something other than Ike to help me wake up... Whatevs. For $5.99, it's coming home with mama.

The time has come for Ike to get a highchair, and I had been planning -- nay, counting -- on buying Ikea's Leopard chair on the left, but it got discontinued due to some supposed safety issues. DAMN IT. Now, instead of looking at a Casala inspired, ultra cool leopard, I'm going to have to settle for a wimpy old Antilop. Definitely not king of the jungle, but least it's cheap.

In other news, I have a pillow and blanket problem. Behold:

Cute stuff: Karlstad, super cheap Henny, and Gilda pillows in two different colors.

My blanket fetish has been spurred to new heights by these inexpensive offerings. Clockwise from top left: Henny, Stoff in charcoal and natural, and Sticka.

ZOMG I want this so bad! The new Solig solar powered floor lamps are scorching hot.

Ok, so what I really want is this dumb CB2 knit pouf thing, but it only comes in puke green. WHY CB2? WHYYYY? Must everything come in some kicky punch color? Would it kill you to make it in white or black or gray? Whatever. I plan to fill the gaping pouffle shaped hole in my life with Ikea's Alseda, which is A) not green and B) hella cheap. $29.99 -- take that, CB2 bitches!

I want a new bed, so I plan to peruse Ikea's offerings. So far, I'm interested in these fine specimens:

Queen of ubiquity, the Malm. Perhaps painted white?

I'm pretty intrigued by the Aneboda's shape, but I'm a little concerned about those screw things in the corners. Will this look like a cheap piece of crap?

And of course there is the super dreamy Edland, which would unfortunately draw the eye right up to the nursty faux wood grained ceiling fan over our bed. What? It gets hot in Texas.

Does anybody have one of these beds? Do they even make them in King sizes?

Speaking of cheap, what do you think about this:

I'm a little embarrassed to even post the Tranby, but I've been looking for a pair of round mirrors for my living room and why the bleep is everything so expensive? I don't know about this, though... I kind of feel like it belongs at TJ Maxx.

And finally, IMPORTANT! IMPORTANT! I need your help:

We neeeeed a new rug, and I want something big, cheap and flatwoven, because I am sick to death of woolen tumbleweeds blowing through the house. Which of these Stockholm rugs do you prefer for my living room? The furniture has been rearranged, but the pieces are still the same. I'm worried that the triangle rug will be too busy, but will the striped one get dirty on the white parts? Plus everyone in the universe has the striped one -- should that disqualify it? Plus I'm not even sure that Ikea still makes the large 8.5 x 11 size. Does anyone know if they still carry it?

Ok, by my calculations I have spent approximately $3459 virtual dollars, and that doesn't even include all the cinnamon rolls and ice cream cones I plan to eat. Gotta trim the list down. What do you dudes like?