Holiday Decor for the Rest of Us

The other day, when I told my friend and Christmas aficionado, Patrick, that I did not need a new Christmas wreath because I already have one, he let out a series of shrieks and gasps followed by a few hail marys and a threat to call 911. He wondered: how can I not cover my home top-to-bottom in garland and grosgrain ribbon. Easy, I thought, I just don't do it. Then, if the lampshade fits posted this little gem on her site:

and I got to thinking... I am hosting Christmas at my house this year and it probably wouldn't hurt to put up a few minimalist holiday artifacts.  Read:  easily procured and assembled, no felt Santas, no baby jesus in the manger, definitely no blow-up lawn decor and probably a lot of spiked eggnog.  I've searched the web high and low and have only managed to find a few non-offensive displays. 

I love the clustered baubles above (ok, I love just about anything in clusters) but am worried about having thousands of tiny broken pieces of glass by my door.  Wanting to avoid litigation with my holiday guests, I might try one of these options instead:

Top 2 images: Point Click Home, Bottom 2: Living Etc

Since all of my ornaments will be scattered around the house, it's probably best if I do a paired down tree.  I mean, really paired down:

Clockwise from top left: Living Etc, Bo Bedre, emma's design blogg, and Bo Bedre

And, while we're at it, perhaps we could screw the tree altogether and just break off a few branches:

All images Bo Bedre, except bottom right: Living Etc

OK, OK, fine, maybe just a wee little baby tree:

all images Bo Bedre

And one more little tree for your little one:

Bo Bedre

Since I am LITERALLY the only married person I know who is not pregnant right now, I expect to see these little guys popping up in all my friends houses in just a couple of years.  Then I will go home to my clean house.

For under-the-tree decor (that's really what the gifts are for, right) I'll turn to these images for inspiration:

Nothing says "have a holly jolly christmas" like presents wrapped in dead animal flesh, right?  I do have to admit that I am totally smitten with the all-white paper and ribbon.  Holiday paper you can use year round:  done and done.

With a stack of albino gifts and a few random branches piling up, I may want to consider some other oddities to toss around.  You know, spice it up a bit:

Plastic animals and a mitten advent calendar?  My guests are going to cry tears of holy water.

Celebrating Hanukkah instead?  Please please dress up your table with this:

Menorah from Walter Living

And, finally, be sure to tie in a little familial personality.  My step-dad runs his own wholesale business and has a love affair with shipping boxes.  Yes, like the brown ones that you, um, ship things in.  But just the really nice ones. (don't get him started)  The running joke in our house is that Randy would take his box-security blanket to bed with him to snuggle up with at night if my mom would let him.  So, for our family, this tree would be perfect:

via the style files 

Now go get your glue guns and bags of glitter, none of us, myself included, have any more excuses for an undecorated holiday home.  You're welcome, Patrick.

How Not To Spend Your Lottery Money

Today's post isn't as much about decor porn as it is about excessiveness, design abominations and the frivolity of tasteless wealth.  I'm talking, of course, about the Millionaire Fair.  In the spirit of overindulgence, I have invited one of our favorite bloggers, Raina, of If the Lampshade Fits, to join in the debauchery.  After all, we all want more, more, MORE!  Right?

 Since 2002, the Millionaire Fair has presented "a fairytale for the affluent, a cornucopia for culinary fans and a feast of superlatives."  (their words).  I asked Raina what she thought of this and of the future of the fair:   "Sadly, this fairy tale may end with a Grimm (ahem) case of affluenza, the symptoms being a shaky world economy, freezing credit, and painful portfolio shrinkage."   Probably, Raina, probably.  But we can still remember the good ole days, right?  And it's hard to imagine that I might not be able to pack a bevy of basketball player's wives into my converted Porsche-Winnebago for a road trip to visit this little gem myself.  The Lights!  The Fashion! The Enter-tain-ment!  I can't bear the thought of missing such sights:

Raina agrees:  "Doesn't it all sound delicious?!? Like an unfettered fantasy romp through a Disney-fied "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."  The reality of which may come closer to "The Real Housewives of Orange County," replete with fake tans, fake boobs and fake personal pedigrees, than to any dreamy vision of privilege and grandure. (When your Mistress of Ceremonies is Elizabeth Hurley, who would show up to the opening of an envelope for the right price, you're off to a roaring start.) 

 "I have to wonder if the different venues dictate different product mixes.  Istanbul (sheiks and oilmen) would host a different type of swank than say Moscow (Peristoika-fed oligarchs) or Shanghai (Asian mafia).  The video highlights include a runway show featuring Fendi fashions, more appropriate for Munich or Kortrijk, Belgium.  Still photos show a very different and rather questionable mix of ensembles that are decidedly not haute couture (cough, Amsterdam, cough).  Is the height of chic a cheap-looking geisha robe over jeans from the Monica Lewinsky for J Brand collection?  With knee-high hose and payless pumps?  I must have missed that memo.  I'm not even going to comment on what looks like Sarah Palin's idea of Alaskan High Fashion."

After being assaulted by a myriad of poorly shot images from the fair (way to budget for a real photographer, Millionaires).  I can't help but wonder if I'm over analyzing the entire event.  Afterall, this appears to be just like an American auto show with ice sculptures replacing the rebel flags and Prada-and-skin-clad-girls with $400 dye-jobs replacing the spandex-and-skin-clad-girls with home perms.

Noting the dumbed up version of american ephemera, I show Raina a series of photos from the fair and ask for her comments.  Like any aspiring apathetic millionaire, I know when to delegate:

Tiffany, recognizing the need to reach out to a wider customer base, introduces the "Bridge and Tunnel" line of gifts.

Millionaire Fair "hostesses" come with a sanitary sash, discreetly replaced after each use.

The Millionaire Fair-ies welcome international dignitaries and guests

Ravaged by the current economic crisis, the U.S. Space program looks to the Millionaire Fair to secure sponsorship

The Windsor knot tells you this is a Millionaire Fair performance!

After careful surveillance I've absorbed Raina's observations and work up a couple equations, I believe my math holds water:

after all, here is a quick web-roundup of some products you can expect to see at the fair:

Do the very wealthy suffer from congenital sensory deprivation that can only be aided by attaching tactile sparkly bits to every last item they own?  Asks Raina 

I think Raina is on to something, but I think the target group is a bit more specific, and feel the need to pinpoint the demographic.  Get out your diamond-encrusted TI-82s:

By this point, of course, both of our heads are spinning:  The wealth!  The indulgence!  The brazen disregard for taste!  Can't. Go. On.  It is here that we (again, in the spirit of extravagance) ask for your input on this post.  I'll present a series of quick-fire questions.  You fill in the blanks.  Winner receives a gold-plated hunter's duck decoy coated in millions of precious stones courtesy of Harry Winston*

*actual prize and sponsorship are nonexistent.  winner gets love.

1.  Tie-dye is to hippies as _____________ is to attendees of the Millionaire Fair

2.  Myspace is to Social Networking as ___________________ is to the Millionaire Fair

3.  Ego infested socialites are to taste and class as _______________ is to ____________

And real quick like, before anyone leaves comments about wealth and jealousy and how we're a bunch of bitter hos, let me say:  I have no problem with millionaires,  are you kidding?  I wish I were one!  However, if I'm ever so lucky, I will never in a gazillion years sacrifice taste and composure in exchange for a plane ticket and admission to this so-called-luxury event.  Where is the design hidden in these comforts?  Where is the craft?  Where is the empathy for humanity?  I don't have a problem with the wealthy, but as soon as someone buys a $42,000 shirt, I have to raise an eyebrow.

Citywide Sunday

Friends, I am pooped. If you ask me, the holidays are all about overeating, undersleeping, and travel overload. My wee little brain needs a chance to recover from a dangerous sugar megadose, which is why I am pumping up today's post with less talk but more pictures. Obviously, it will taste great and be less filling. On Sunday afternoon, Karly, the very fabulous Jennifer Perkins of Naughty Secretary Club fame, and I kicked it frugal style at Austin's bimonthlyish Citywide Garage Sale. There were some definite steals and deals, and also just some weird crap. Check it, yo.

Karly bought this awesome Black Beauty tapestry for $3. Every girl needs a stallion in the bedroom, no?

Cubism and gnomes! They go together like rama lama lama ke ding a de dinga a dong.

She's awfully haughty for a baldie, dontcha think?

This, also, is unfortunate.

I hate to spoil it for you, but this was the best picture I took all day. Sadly, it's all downhill from here.

The dude that ran this booth sold killer vintage backdrops. If you live in Austin, some of them are at Uncommon Objects. He also runs Webb Gallery in Waxahatchie.

Texas = Armadillos

More dead stuff.

This was Alonzo Huxley, beloved security guard of San Antonio. Apparently Alonzo's nephew sold his uncle's 40 pound bronze head to the proprietor of this booth. Note to self: nephews are unsentimental bastards.

Peppers, popes and ponies. What more could you ask for?

Perhaps a phenomenal Peter Max piece...?

Here stands a groovy little screenprint.

Calling all anachronists and lovers of obsolete technologies. Hipsters, come in. There is now an alternative to buying your tech goods at Urban Outfitters. Over and out.

If you pray hard enough, maybe you can get this vintage nativity set for free. Ask and ye shall receive, right?

In case you didn't already know, vintage dresses are freakishly tiny. That fills me with rage.

Cool it now with some shell chair love and capiz on top.

Sunny swagadelic lamp action always makes me happy.

I have a paint by numbers problem. It's inexplicable and stubbornly incurable.

I almost bought this lamp, but didn't. I may live to regret that decision, or the sugar withdrawals may kill me first.

That's it for my Citywide Roundup. All you people who keep threatening to visit and/or move to Austin will surely be dragged by force to the Convention Center to check out the aisles of cheap goodies being offloaded by desperate proprietors. Times is hard, y'all. All the better to buy vintage.