Breaking News: Outlet Shopping Found To Be Potentially Lethal

WOMAN, MAN AND BABY HELD HOSTAGE BY BAD PARKING AND OVERWHELMING SELECTION AT OUTLET MALL This weekend, a tragic confluence of heat, hunger and exhaustion, struck a local family while attempting to shop at a San Marcos outlet mall on Sunday. Apparently, they were unaware that shopping at the Tanger Outlet on a weekend could be incredibly hazardous to their health. When asked what had prompted such a dangerous excursion, they cited this deal, purchased by a friend at the Crate and Barrel outlet:

Although Central Texas is devoid of CB2 stores, the Crate and Barrel outlet does carry a number of returned CB2 pieces, including the Uno sectional which said friend purchased for significantly less than half price. After learning of her friend's purchase, the unidentified woman enticed her family to head south in search of this sofa:

The woman stated that she felt the possibility of encountering a CB2 Piazza sofa was worth the trip, and hoped to find a returned model for purchase at a lower price. In fact, there was a Piazza sofa at the Crate and Barrel outlet, but it seems the woman was upset to find that it looked nothing like the pictures in the magazine:

She said, "This is not the luxe, Euro styled sofa I have obsessed over for months! This is a lumpy piece of [curses] that looks and feels like a cheap, unfolded futon."

When asked if there were any redeeming factors to her otherwise foolhardy trip, she said, "Have you been to the Pottery Barn/Williams Sonoma/West Elm outlet? It's really really really big."

It appears that the Pottery Barn outlet carries a significant amount of home furnishings at a discount, but the woman did complain about the prices and quality. "The West Elm pieces were chipped and disfigured, the Pottery Barn couches looked stodgy and old, and the Williams Sonoma furniture is priced for the rich and famous. I mean, who would pay $2500 for a desk at an outlet mall?" She also indicated that there may be some contentious issues of taste:

She said, "Holy [curses]! Look at all that coral! Coral, I tell you! And LOBSTER PILLOWS!" [Emphasis added]

When asked how she survived such a treacherous trip fraught with heat, expensive yet tasteless furnishings, and angry family members, she replied, "Well, there was a guy who gave us a free beer. He said I looked really thirsty. Oh, and I bought a waffle maker. Waffles and beer! They pretty much saved the day."

Thankfully the situation seems to have been resolved peacefully and without any long term ill effects. Updates will be posted as we receive more details.

What Am I Doin? What Am I Doin?

I'm looking at houses, mayne, that's what I'm doin. We need another bedroom, and we desperately want better schools and quieter streets because we're old like that. I must have eyeballed hundreds online already, and negged dozens in person, but today we may have found a contender. Maybe.

It's over our budget and it's not perfect, but it's in a fab neighborhood with excellent schools -- which is saying something because Austin schools are not so great. Sorry, but it had to be said. Or typed, as the case may be.

I'd show you a pic of the exterior, but frankly you can't even really see it. Because it's built into a hill, and it lies at the bottom of the driveway of death. Sounds great already, right? Yes, but did I mention the views, the miles of wraparound decking, the acre lot, and the seriously amazing neighborhood?

And the WINDOWS. Tons and tons of windows. I'd like to show you more interior shots, but I've had my daily fill of microfiber.

Ok, just this one more. Because that window is so cute. And did you see the beams and the real oak floors, the floors that are not stained a hideous shade of red? Also, can I say that the fireplace -- while awesome and copper and very unique -- must go. It's, like, 30 shades of too big.

Oh yeah, and there's carpet in all the bedrooms. At least it's brand new.

Also, there is a weird midgetty loft to the side of the dining room that I can't show you because there are no pictures. And the cabinets are not the bizness -- nothing a little paint and contact paper can't cover for the time being, but not long term worthy, either.

If it sounds like I'm trash talking the place, well I probably am. I'm skeered. We aren't rich, but we aren't used to carrying much debt, either. We live modestly, and this -- this is not a modest house. This house will make us poor. But it will also make us all upwardly mobile and shit. Poor rich people. And that seems like a lonely place.

Do you think there are coyotes that eat rich people out there? I bet they might even settle for middle class meat.

My List, Your List, Craigslist

As per your excellent suggestions, I have been feverishly scouring Craigslist for a credenza with sliding doors that will hide our fugly electronics. Last week, I found an insanely underpriced six foot long teak masterpiece that was practically located in my backyard (which matters because I am way too lazy to drive across town for even the bombest piece), but when I called it was gone. HELLFIRE. I am still obsessing about that stupid credenza, so note to CL sellers: delete your ads once items are sold, otherwise you are just a flagrant tease. Anyhoo, I thought I might toss a few goodies your way that I've noticed while searching for my own treasure. Hopefully there is something in here that will make you pee your pants with joy.

Let me tell you what makes me feel a lil leaky: Jack Lenor Larsen. I really love his vintage psychedelic prints, but you can be sure that the understated cobalt velvet upholstery on these fly chairs is still P.I.M.P. Buy them before a dealer (or I) get to them first. They're even close to my house... $150.

It's vintage 60s, it has a wooden frame (mahogany, according to the ad, but I doubt that is actually the case), and the upholstery is stupid good. Could it be a reupholstered Lafer on rosewood? Or is that the og fabric on walnut? Inquiring minds want to know. Buy it and tell me all about it. $300.

Vintage Wassily chairs "purchased decades ago at a Scandinavian store." $225 is not a bad price, but they have been reposted several times. Lowball these suckers.

Four shell chairs with Herman Miller bases, if you're into that kind of thing. $250 here.

Vintage chrome, lucite, and smoked glass, dinette. Change that upholstery, stat, and you've got yourself a winner. It's taking all my energy not to buy the set just for the chairs. $150 here.

80's black lacquer and brass bedroom set, made by Lane so it should be real wood under the lacquer. Comes with a six drawer dresser, vanity, corner unit, nightstand, and a full/queen headboard... All for $95. Say what??? That price is dumb. Snatch these puppies up for your disco shag coke pad.

Ok, this gem comes courtesy of a person that Karly and I can only refer to as troll lady -- I would recognize that filthy gravel trap of a yard anywhere. Friends, I shall never deal with the troll again (even though I see her EVERYWHERE around town, even at our very own garage sale), but if you do deal with her, don't take her meandering directions to her house in BFE for the gospel truth, and make sure you spray yourself for mosquitoes and chiggers. Also, I hope you like dogs and cats and chickens and geese and other wild animals. Motherbleeping chupacabra probably lives out there. It is a really cool coffee table, though -- reverse painted glass on iron, and a very nice size. $125. Check it out here, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Yep, it's that table. You know... THAT table. $99, which is half of what reasonable vintage dealers around town are currently charging. Offer less, because for some reason this gal has been up for a while. Buy it here.

Chintz is back, beeyotch! Even better when paired with woven rope end pieces. Such nice colors. This dude is a nice dealer, and he delivers. $300 here.

$50 for a two tiered, shapely glass and brass table that will go anywhere. Get it.

Is it wrong that I really like the cushion fabric? $35 here.

This fabric, however, is downright bilious. Someone PLEASE rescue these adorable Thonet cafe chairs (so hard to find with arms!) and rip that vile fringe off and burn it. $55 here, and consider your purchase to be a mission of mercy.

That's it for today's goodies -- get them while they're hot. I think I'd like to end with a little checklist for buying stuff n things off Craigslist:

DO:

Don't jack around -- leave your name, number, and email address, when responding to ads.

Follow up IMMEDIATELY, like within 2.2 seconds, if the seller responds.

Offer less than the listed price. Always. Well... almost always. Don't be an asshat.

Go look at this crap before you buy it.

Have a plan of action to pick up said crap. This may require requesting dimensions beforehand. Duh (and that is really a "duh" to myself).

DO NOT:

Offer less than the listed price in your email to the seller. Do your dickering in person.

Respond to the seller's ad with vague inquiries and possibilities. Save that fun for later.

Give anyone your address unless you're sure they will follow through on delivery. And that the sellers aren't psycho killers.

Buy anything from the troll lady. Ha! Just kidding... that's totally up to you. Sucker.

Practice safe craigslisting and see you dudes Friday!