Rock You Like a Hurricane

Yesterday, my loving brother (who shall be hereafter referred to as "Bubba") requested a post on patio furniture that's so robust it could withstand even the impending destruction of Hurricane Ike, and frankly I can understand his concerns since the last time I visited him a lightning storm zapped our laptop and struck so close to the window that I jumped bolt upright out of bed, positive that someone had cruelly popped a camera flash into my sweetly sleeping eyeballs (which would not be outside of my brother's repertoire of juvenile pranks, I tell you). Well, Bubba, the season's end presented a few challenges, but I've done my best to round up a bevy of waterproof wonders sure to weather the sharpest storm in style. I'm skipping the Big Box stores and starting off with a bang. First of all, you're going to need this:

Sure, the LED Lightbench from Frellstedt comes in other colors, but I'm really feeling the hot pink for my big, burly brother. I'm almost positive he needs this, too:

I mean, it's gold, it's got Dictator Chic written all over it, and it's amazingly WATERPROOF! Generate Designs and Design Front carry this little honey in many colors for the low low price of $7K. The producer, Studio JSPR, also makes a few different models of outdoor chairs, all designed to evoke interior opulence:

For that kind of cheese, you'll want to be sure that your precious purchases are chained down, lest they fly off the mountain. Of course, JSPR's plastic chesterfield chairs are my favorites because, as the Nerdy Fashionista knows, I loves me the tufting!

Then there are the requisite pods, for maximum loungeitude:

Holy hell these guys are expensive, but since they're woven from resin wicker on a powdercoated aluminum frame and topped off with Sunbrella cushions, at least you can be sure they won't melt into a puddle of moldy ooze. Via Home Infatuaton.

Of course, you can go for a minimal pod with a slightly less posh price tag. Check out the Outback Hanging Chair from Amazon:

Ok, on to some chair and table sets, most of which are actually -- gasp! -- affordable. Yes, it's a new day for Design Crisis.

There aren't a lot of choices in terms of materials for outdoor furniture, but lately designers have been making the most out of plain old plastic, and I love the lines and variety of color choices on all of these. Clockwise from top left: Reproduction of the historic Panton S Chair, $260 for a set of two from Advanced Interior Designs, Ikea's Urban Chair for only $40, Philipe Starck-designed Dr. No Chair, $263 each from Hive, Air Arm Chair designed by Jasper Morrison at CB2, $149 each.

Now, I don't like matchy matchy things so I would pair these chairs with an outdoor teak table for a little warmth and contrast. This one from Design Public is pricey, but the form is nice:

If you like this look but not the expense, shop around for local dealers who might carry some of the cleaner teak designs. Just choose something without all the extra business going on underneath... let the chairs do all the talking.

Here's another table option from CB2 if you prefer something sleeker:

It's a bit hard to see here. but that red powdercoated and welded metal x-base is pretty hot, and glass is definitely waterproof (if messy). Not bad for $399.

In case little brother is a matcher, here are a few patio sets that might work. First up, Brown and Jordan:

Brown and Jordan have been making sleek and fabulous patio furniture since the birth of exterior design, and they do it well. And expensively. But occasionally you can find a nice set of Brown and Jordan secondhand, and I particularly like their 70's designs.

Sorry for the crummy picture, but this little resin wicker set is relatively inexpensive, so I thought I'd throw it in:

The chairs are very Kelly Wearstler, and overall I think the set has an ornate tulip table feel. Just not with the striped cushions!!!

One more frilly set for my six foot tall 200 pound muscle-bound brother:

For a more traditional setting, this set from Overstock could work well with some punchy cushions. At $440 including tax and shipping, it's priced well for wrought iron.

Ok, now for a few more modern mash ups:

I like the idea of either the folding red metal chair by Blu Dot (sold by Hive Modern for $129 each including shipping!) or the fabulous steel and vinyl cord hoop chair sold by Plain Air (which I think is about $400 each, although you may be able to find a vintage Salterini patio chair with a similar form for less) with this simple metal and tempered glass table from Ikea for $199.

Last, but not least, my relatively attainable mid-level fantasy patio set for your viewing pleasure:

First, I need the plastic polymer Bubble Couch and Bubble Chairs designed by Philipe Starck and sold at Hive. The couch is $1020, and the chairs are $680 each.

Next, I need this lime green powdercoated steel coffee table sold by CB2 for only $249!

And to cap it off, I'm going Starck again with GOLD LIMITED EDITION gnome buddy side tables, Napoleon and Atilla, $375 each.

That comes to a grand total of $3,380. You know, Bubba, that sounds like a fair fee for my time today.

I kid! But I won't be sad if you buy me a golden gnome for Christmas.

Random Post Generator

Kids, drinking is wrong. But sometimes it is a necessary evil -- for example, when celebrating birthdays. And sometimes drinking leads one to fall out of one's chair, thereby bruising one's delicate derriere, although one might forget that it even happened, save for the twinges of painful reminders while sitting. Which generally occurs from the hours of 9 to 5. And oftentimes one does not sleep well after a night of imbibery, thereby ensuring that morning shall come too soon and the day shall be hellishly long. And writing is the LAST thing one wants to do, as all that type type typing disturbs the lovely silence, and also because the cursor is dizzying. Eventually one is forced to seek out flashy means of entertainment, as one has the attention span of a gnat. Behold:

Little Joseph candleholders by Qubus please one. One fantasizes about plugging Little Joseph's head hole with multicolored candles, and one laughs.

One also enjoys all kinds of piggy banks, but one is especially enthralled by this piggy bank cast from a real suckling pig.  One has read that piggy died of natural causes, and also that $10 from the sale of each pig shall be donated to the Humane Society. That makes one happy.

Actually, as a general rule, one likes pigs, and one also covets Karly's gold panther platter tables, so why not a gold pig platter table?

Conflict! One cannot have two tables, and one LOVES gnomes. One may or may not have had a David the Gnome fetish as a child... One also finds it funny that Philipe Starck designed a gnome table.

One does NOT want this table, as one is totally offended by the idea that a "Blackamoor" (foolish term courtesy of the seller... one would never be caught dead saying such things) should be forced to carry cocktails. One feels that whomever purchases this table is a bad person. Not that one is judgmental, or anything.

One's agitation is soothed by these multiracial baby hand soaps. One likes the tiny baby fist that appears to say, "Fight the power!" in tiny baby sign language.

One very much DOES want this bust of Lenin covered in traditional Czech patterns. One never realized how Lenin's facial hair makes him look uncannily Satanic, but one is entertained by his creepy visage in juxtaposition with the pretty pretty flowers.

One feels better now.