Tomorrow we leave town on our annual Thanksgiving pilgrimage. Every year my enormous family congregates at our farm near Texarkana, and we all enjoy good food, good company, and lots of redneckified activities, like ridin' four wheelers, burnin' stuff, and shootin' up a storm. I'm all about the four wheelers and any activities involving fire, but despite early indoctrination (I first shot a Glock at eight), I'm more than a little squeamish about guns. Because the only ass that's getting a cap busted in it is probably mine. Despite my misgivings, I really want to join in the fun. But I'm not even going to consider picking up a gun unless it looks like one of these:
Because, you see, everything does not look better in black. In fact, many things look good in pink and aqua with leopard on top, and there ain't nothing that don't look better in gold. No kind of thing.
Even though I was an eight year old badass with the hard black heart of an assassin, as a 32 year old wussy I may need to slowly ease my way back into the game. You know, get my feet wet. Try on some training wheels for size.
Pretty pink Hello Kitty knows how to make a girl feel soft and feminine, but everyone knows that bitch can fight when backed into a corner. Watch out for the claws when they come out! Pft!
Who am I kidding? I may need to start out even... slower. Like, really slow. Like, more decorative, less lethal, slow.
(via A+R Store)
This paper AK-47 is probably a little more my speed. Pretty, but ineffectual. I'll look really cool while holding it, but self inflicted injuries will be kept to a minimum. Now we rollin! Dog.
Honestly, I kind of prefer the more old school weaponry. A little more Wild Wild West, with saloons and spurs, and weapons that aren't in the least automatic. Although the lack of modern medical technology is a definite minus for the accident prone. Wonder who that might be...
Awwwww yeah. Bet you thought I forgot this was a design blog! What have we here? Winchester shot glasses from Amazon, which are potentially lethal in a totally different way; A pistol shaped remote control seen at Design Boner that my dad would kill for; the uber slick "Smoking Gun" via This Next; and Jonathan Adler's whimsical needlepoint pillow, adored by pistol packin' grandmas everywhere.
Of course, my newfound frippery would look fabulous against this old-school-meets-young-stunna backdrop:
Designer Wallcovering carries Thug Stripe black and white gun wallpaper. Yes, please. And I have just the thing to cast a perfect, decoratively violent, glow upon it.
Rock and Royal (purveyors of the OG nefarious pirate ship chandelier) think that everything looks better under crystal, and they can glue, string, stitch, or wire it together in just about any configuration imaginable. I'm just not sure if I like the AK or the snub nosed pistol better:
Whereas the AK is sharp and pointy, the pistol is so soothing and unassuming. It says, "What, me? Dangerous? Never." Kind of like that douchebag boy you dated in high school, and you remember how that turned out. Alrighty, AK it is!
Or maybe I don't want any guns hanging over my head. They don't exactly connote the same sense of imminent death that, say, a guillotine might. Still, there are only a few wires keeping that barrel off my neck. Perhaps I'd be better off with something gravity bound.
I blogged about this super fly gold table lamp by Philippe Starck a hundred million years ago, but time has done little to assuage my lust. I like that the business end is pointed up. I like gold. I like fetishize guns. Enough said.
But if I'm being realistic, I'd probably get the most use (and street cred) out of this little number:
Everyone respects a gun-shaped flask full of tequila. Especially during the holidays.