Yo Yo Yo wassup big money?! Holla! We here at Design Crisis Head Quarters are big pimpin with our end of the week million dollar gift guide riz-ound up. We've weeded out the bad (no swarovski, diamond or gold plated bling) and the impractical (who gives a couch for Christmas?) to bring you the bestest gifts 1,000,000 skrillas can buy. My first stop on the extravaganza was First Dibs, the purveyors of eye-popping price tags, I thought for sure they could deliver a few pricey trinkets:
I have to say, I was a little disappointed. Not only did I go under my budget by a long shot, but those kooks wanted me to buy a $3,900 ribbed bucket. Bitch Please.
First Dibs also tried to tickle my gift-giving fancy with a 19th century Vietnamese Emperor Bust for $5,714, an Italian Bronze Bust of Senneca for $3,500 (those eyes are tempting), and a Pedro Friedeberg Sculpture of a Caged Saint for $16,500. That's Chump Change.
We need to go BIGGER! More GRAND-E-OSE. A little birdy told me that Nordtrom was trying to peddle a few exclusive gift packages in the roaring face of our bear economy:
For $50,000 Sam Jones will shoot your family portrait (right) or for $200,000 Ruben Toledo will paint a 12" x 24" custom portrait of whateverthehellyouwant.
Norstrom was getting the idea, but the gesture still wasn't sweeping me off my feet. Plus, I had all this extra cash to burn.
Then I thought, you know, the best gift of all is time with your family. Alone. On a private resort. Owned by Sir Richard Branson:
For a cool $329,000 Necker Island is all yours for a week-long stay. Did I just hear someone yell Keg Stand? Oh, you dudes are classy!
But, then again, why give your pal a week on an island when you can just buy them their own private isle?
If your Christmas Dreams are more home bound, perhaps you could consider bringing the adventure to your friend:
For $100,000 Michael Phelps will come swim a few laps at your holiday pool party. I bet a few extra dollars gets wifey's hand on his perfectly-sculpted abs. If you want more BANG! More PIZAZZ! Consider shelling out an even mil for the Purple Pop Icon to sing your friend's favorite carols. The gift may only last a few minutes, but the memories will last a lifetime.
Now that we've got the wheels turning on a couple of grown-up gifts, let's think about little junior. If you don't give him the most AMAZING, UNATTAINABLE, BADASS gift around, when he gets older he will probably turn to drugs and spend his inheritance on prostitutes. Better get him one of these:
Levitating Hover Scooter. Yes! Like In Back To The Future! At only $16,999.95 you can even afford to get him an orange vest and a wacky scientist best friend! If you're the kind of parent that's worried about "injuries" or "law suits" consider this stay-at-home, well cushioned 3-D motion simulator from F.A.O. Schwarz. For $300,000 your kids can move around, just like in a real car!
And for little sally, skip the pony this year. With all that cash laying around, you're really going to want to trump all the other parents on the block. I suggest this:
For $138,000 this sweet little white lion cub could tear it's way into little Sally's heart.
Now that the immediate family is taken care of, it's time to check everyone else off our list. Have an outdoorsy uncle? I have the perfect gift for him:
Grab him the word's largest uncut quartz rock for $100,000. Then he can do all his rock climbing from the comfort of his own home without having to worry about such disrupting things as dirt, bugs and peeing outdoors.
If your uncle still insists on making his way to the wilderness, he should do it in Pamala Anderson's Love Stream, originally gifted to her by Hugh Hefner (see! great gift!)
Up for auction (right now!!) is this lovely retrofitted trailer once owned by the Bay Watch Babe herself. While the price tag is unknown, I'm hoping, praying that you'll have enough leftover to hire a very professional cleaning crew.
For the culinary connoisseur let me suggest the world's largest truffle:
For $200,000 you can give a 2 pound tuber to your bestest friend. Oh, just imagine the look on her face when she opens the box, it's going to be glorious!
I know this is running long, but, what do you expect, it's million dollar day and this here post is super-sized. Let's go ahead and round up just a couple more things before I bid you adieu to finish your workday:
Want your pals to witness democracy in action? No problem, for $62,500 and the capacity to sit through grid-lock traffic, you can buy 2 seats to the Obama inauguration. Of course, I doubt it will be that crowded, so they could probably just show up. ha. right.
For your nephew with bright light / big city dreams, how about dropping $750,000 for the opportunity to audition to be the next james bond?
Just like p.diddy or puff daddy or p'dad, or whatever he calls himself these days, little kenny can have his own audition reel shot, edited and submitted to the powers that be for his chance at the big time.
And finally, you might be thinking that the best gift you could give would be a giant suitcase full of cash. Wrong. You need to make it more fun. Let me make one last suggestion:
How about one million chances to win one million dollars? That's right! For only $1,000,000 your friends could have hours of endless entertainment filled with the excitement and rush of adrenaline that only comes from rubbing the edge of a quarter against the sweet silky silvery side of a scratch-off. And, who knows, they may even win a few grand!