Holiday Gift Guide: Oil Baron Edition

Yo Yo Yo wassup big money?! Holla! We here at Design Crisis Head Quarters are big pimpin with our end of the week million dollar gift guide riz-ound up.  We've weeded out the bad (no swarovski, diamond or gold plated bling) and the impractical (who gives a couch for Christmas?) to bring you the bestest gifts 1,000,000 skrillas can buy. My first stop on the extravaganza was First Dibs, the purveyors of eye-popping price tags, I thought for sure they could deliver a few pricey trinkets:

I have to say, I was a little disappointed.  Not only did I go under my budget by a long shot, but those kooks wanted me to buy a $3,900 ribbed bucket.  Bitch Please.

First Dibs also tried to tickle my gift-giving fancy with a 19th century Vietnamese Emperor Bust for $5,714, an Italian Bronze Bust of Senneca for $3,500 (those eyes are tempting), and a Pedro Friedeberg Sculpture of a Caged Saint for $16,500.  That's Chump Change.

We need to go BIGGER!  More GRAND-E-OSE.  A little birdy told me that Nordtrom was trying to peddle a few exclusive gift packages in the roaring face of our bear economy:

For $50,000 Sam Jones will shoot your family portrait (right) or for $200,000 Ruben Toledo will paint a 12" x 24" custom portrait of whateverthehellyouwant.

Norstrom was getting the idea, but the gesture still wasn't sweeping me off my feet.  Plus, I had all this extra cash to burn.

Then I thought, you know, the best gift of all is time with your family.  Alone.  On a private resort.  Owned by Sir Richard Branson:

For a cool $329,000 Necker Island is all yours for a week-long stay.  Did I just hear someone yell Keg Stand?  Oh, you dudes are classy!

But, then again, why give your pal a week on an island when you can just buy them their own private isle?

Private Islands Online  lists several suitable private islands for our gift-giving pleasure.  The above, Dolphin Jump Key is a sprawling half-acre smack dab off the cost of Florida listed at $995,000.  

If your Christmas Dreams are more home bound, perhaps you could consider bringing the adventure to your friend:

For $100,000 Michael Phelps will come swim a few laps at your holiday pool party.  I bet a few extra dollars gets wifey's hand on his perfectly-sculpted abs.  If you want more BANG!  More PIZAZZ!  Consider shelling out an even mil for the Purple Pop Icon to sing your friend's favorite carols.  The gift may only last a few minutes, but the memories will last a lifetime.

Now that we've got the wheels turning on a couple of grown-up gifts, let's think about little junior.  If you don't give him the most AMAZING, UNATTAINABLE, BADASS gift around, when he gets older he will probably turn to drugs and spend his inheritance on prostitutes.  Better get him one of these:

Levitating Hover Scooter.  Yes!  Like In Back To The Future!  At only $16,999.95 you can even afford to get him an orange vest and a wacky scientist best friend!  If you're the kind of parent that's worried about "injuries" or "law suits" consider this stay-at-home, well cushioned 3-D motion simulator from F.A.O. Schwarz.  For $300,000 your kids can move around, just like in a real car!

And for little sally, skip the pony this year.  With all that cash laying around, you're really going to want to trump all the other parents on the block.  I suggest this:

For $138,000 this sweet little white lion cub could tear it's way into little Sally's heart. 

Now that the immediate family is taken care of, it's time to check everyone else off our list.  Have an outdoorsy uncle?  I have the perfect gift for him:

Grab him the word's largest uncut quartz rock for $100,000.  Then he can do all his rock climbing from the comfort of his own home without having to worry about such disrupting things as dirt, bugs and peeing outdoors.

If your uncle still insists on making his way to the wilderness, he should do it in Pamala Anderson's Love Stream, originally gifted to her by Hugh Hefner (see!  great gift!) 

Up for auction (right now!!) is this lovely retrofitted trailer once owned by the Bay Watch Babe herself.  While the price tag is unknown, I'm hoping, praying that you'll have enough leftover to hire a very professional cleaning crew.

For the culinary connoisseur let me suggest the world's largest truffle:

For $200,000 you can give a 2 pound tuber to your bestest friend.   Oh, just imagine the look on her face when she opens the box, it's going to be glorious!

I know this is running long, but, what do you expect, it's million dollar day and this here post is super-sized.  Let's go ahead and round up just a couple more things before I bid you adieu to finish your workday:

Want your pals to witness democracy in action?  No problem, for $62,500 and the capacity to sit through grid-lock traffic, you can buy 2 seats to the Obama inauguration.  Of course, I doubt it will be that crowded, so they could probably just show up.  ha.  right.

For your nephew with bright light / big city dreams, how about dropping $750,000 for the opportunity to audition to be the next james bond? 

Just like p.diddy or puff daddy or p'dad, or whatever he calls himself these days, little kenny can have his own audition reel shot, edited and submitted to the powers that be for his chance at the big time.

And finally, you might be thinking that the best gift you could give would be a giant suitcase full of cash.  Wrong.  You need to make it more fun.  Let me make one last suggestion:

How about one million chances to win one million dollars?  That's right!  For only $1,000,000 your friends could have hours of endless entertainment filled with the excitement and rush of adrenaline that only comes from rubbing the edge of a quarter against the sweet silky silvery side of a scratch-off.  And, who knows, they may even win a few grand!

Yep, Still the Holiday Gift Guide: $100(ish) Edition

When I was going over the photos I had gathered for today's post, I realize that these are not so much gift suggestions for the world at large, they're more like gift suggestions for, well, me.  Bright and colorful?  check.  Silly and ridiculous? check.  Price tag larger than my budget?  Checkity, check, check! Yep, today is the $100(ish) edition and I've rounded up my fave finds - of the minute - from the world wide web.  I've also tossed in a few goodies that could have fallen into previous under $25 and under $50 posts because I'm cool like that.  

Let's start today's guide with gifts for the fellas:

Is your man super smart and loves to look like a jackass?  So is mine, that is why I am pondering any of the following for mattybear:

1.  (HANDMADE) Fool's Gold, narrow or skinny screenprinted microfiber necktie by etsy user Toybreaker, one tie = $30  (see I told you I'd hook you up)

2.  LED Binary Watch from, (i do not pretend to understand how this works, too much estrogen) one watch, $69.99

3.  Nippon Work Gloves, available in 12 designs from Brooklyn 5 and 10, one pair, $20

4.  (for the little matt in your life) Star Wars R2-D2 backpack from Fred Flare, $65

Enough about boy stuff.  How about some ladies fashion:

1. (HANDMADE) Panda Snacks Necklace from Naughty Secretary Club.  (I have seen this bad mama jamma in person and the photo does not do it justice... making the price tag worth while), $130

2. (HANDMADE) Modern Rock Ring by Metalicious, Cast sterling "diamond" on gold-plated ring, $75

3. (HANDMADE) Summer Fashion Shoes designed by Bunka, don't let the word "summer" scare you, these kicks rock, $47

4. (HANDMADE) necklush ultra - orange with print by etsy seller, Necklush, $65  (I am obsessed with these!!!  must. have. one)

5. (HANDMADE) tangled with bakelite necklace by t8designs, $89

6. (HANDMADE) Um Carry felt purse, $95

7. (HANDMADE) demano Marbella tote made from recycled Italian PVC banners, $72

So by know you're probably wondering who the hell gives shoes for Christmas and that I am doing a terrible job with this guide.  I'll pause while you scroll up and check out those wheels again.

..... See.  Moving on.

Chances are you probably have some kid you have to buy a holiday gift for.  We all do, it's ok.  Here is what I would want if I were said child:

1. (HANDMADE) wunder toy pantonino, pantone stuffed doll  (it's never too early to learn your pantone colors, right?) only $38

2. (HANDMADE) Baby Bunting by Brooklyn Junior.  This makes me want to move somewhere cold when I procreate, that suit is kickin.  $52

3. (ALL NATURAL!) Pony, price available from horse breeders across the country

4. Color Wheel Puzzle, from (sorry) Pottery Barn.  But how cool is that?  It's possibly the best baby toy ever and it's only $20

5. Labyrinth Balancing Board (David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly not included) Christmas is all about playing with stupid toys after all the presents are unwrapped.  Get this for Junior and watch Uncle Bill try to master it while the ham is roasting, $69 - $99

Don't hang out with breeders?  Good, you won't want any spittle next to these expensive gifts:

1. Orimono Pillow from Anthropologie, $88

2. Thomas Paul Imperial Horse Linen Pillow (incase the real pony falls through), $100

Know anyone who likes subversive home goods (ahem!)  Try one of these:

1.  Terrorist Tea Pot, this UK item might not make it before Christmas, but it's worth the wait, 20 Euros

2. Charity Money Box (remind your recipient to save up for you next Christmas!) 20 Euros

3. (HANDMADE) A-Light South Third.  Who gives a lamp for Christmas?  Probably someone with badass shoes and great taste in lamps, $75

4.  Wall Mounted Candle Holder, $95

5. hand grenade oil lamps by piet houtenbos.  They're gold.  Need I say more? $65

6. (high price alert!) Carlos Night Light.  TOTALLY worth the extra 32 clams, $132

7.  New York Delft Plate Set, They may be all over the internet, but have you seen them on a table yet?  Swoon, 5-piece place setting, $80

Here are a few more pieces to spice up your pal's table:

1.  (HANDMADE) Large Black Holy Bowl, by etsy seller chloelepichon, $100

2.  (HANDMADE) Large urchin bowl, $95

3. (HANDMADE) Blaue Blume Tea cup -White with gold shoes (love love love!), $59

4. (HANDMADE) Blaue Blume Milk jug -White with gold shoes (still loving!), $59

And finally, I've got a holiday gift soup, filled with all the left overs and random good stuff that didn't go go with any of the above pictures:

1. (HANDMADE) Plantorb, you put plants in it, silly, $104

2. (HANDMADE) Irana Douer Hair Pillow, AUD 30

3. Flower Piglet Piggy Bank, incase you think the charity bank might make your friends cry, $77

4. (HANDMADE) Hand Blown Cupcake stand, I've always wanted a glass cake stand, but now I want this, $60

5.  (EDITOR'S PICK)  Everyone loves booze, right?  even kids.  Give my favorite, Crios Torrontes.  Yum, it tastes like Chanel, $15 / bottle (hey, it's not my favorite for nothin')

6.  Carrie Bicycle Basket (is it named after the Sex in the City Carrie or the Blood Bath Prom Queen, Carrie?  Hopefully the latter).  Anyway, it's cute:  buy it for a friend with a bike, $65

Oh my gosh I can't believe I made it to the end.  Did you see all of those links?  Did you?  I think I am going to toss back that Editor's Pick in celebration.  Happy Shopping.


Holiday Decor for the Rest of Us

The other day, when I told my friend and Christmas aficionado, Patrick, that I did not need a new Christmas wreath because I already have one, he let out a series of shrieks and gasps followed by a few hail marys and a threat to call 911. He wondered: how can I not cover my home top-to-bottom in garland and grosgrain ribbon. Easy, I thought, I just don't do it. Then, if the lampshade fits posted this little gem on her site:

and I got to thinking... I am hosting Christmas at my house this year and it probably wouldn't hurt to put up a few minimalist holiday artifacts.  Read:  easily procured and assembled, no felt Santas, no baby jesus in the manger, definitely no blow-up lawn decor and probably a lot of spiked eggnog.  I've searched the web high and low and have only managed to find a few non-offensive displays. 

I love the clustered baubles above (ok, I love just about anything in clusters) but am worried about having thousands of tiny broken pieces of glass by my door.  Wanting to avoid litigation with my holiday guests, I might try one of these options instead:


Top 2 images: Point Click Home, Bottom 2: Living Etc

Since all of my ornaments will be scattered around the house, it's probably best if I do a paired down tree.  I mean, really paired down:

Clockwise from top left: Living Etc, Bo Bedre, emma's design blogg, and Bo Bedre

And, while we're at it, perhaps we could screw the tree altogether and just break off a few branches:

All images Bo Bedre, except bottom right: Living Etc

OK, OK, fine, maybe just a wee little baby tree:

all images Bo Bedre

And one more little tree for your little one:

Bo Bedre

Since I am LITERALLY the only married person I know who is not pregnant right now, I expect to see these little guys popping up in all my friends houses in just a couple of years.  Then I will go home to my clean house.

For under-the-tree decor (that's really what the gifts are for, right) I'll turn to these images for inspiration:

Nothing says "have a holly jolly christmas" like presents wrapped in dead animal flesh, right?  I do have to admit that I am totally smitten with the all-white paper and ribbon.  Holiday paper you can use year round:  done and done.

With a stack of albino gifts and a few random branches piling up, I may want to consider some other oddities to toss around.  You know, spice it up a bit:

Plastic animals and a mitten advent calendar?  My guests are going to cry tears of holy water.

Celebrating Hanukkah instead?  Please please dress up your table with this:

Menorah from Walter Living

And, finally, be sure to tie in a little familial personality.  My step-dad runs his own wholesale business and has a love affair with shipping boxes.  Yes, like the brown ones that you, um, ship things in.  But just the really nice ones. (don't get him started)  The running joke in our house is that Randy would take his box-security blanket to bed with him to snuggle up with at night if my mom would let him.  So, for our family, this tree would be perfect:

via the style files 

Now go get your glue guns and bags of glitter, none of us, myself included, have any more excuses for an undecorated holiday home.  You're welcome, Patrick.