YOU'RE a Tranny Ding Dong: A Top Design Story

I'm sorry for the Top Design delay but between work (blechk!), following every minute of this pesky national race between some random senators, and my new obsession with The Pick-Up Artist, frankly dears, I just haven't had time.  But let's not dwell on the past, let's jump right in. This week's Top Design delivered it's own special October Surprise and really was that buzz term we all know so well:  a Game Changer.  After much deliberation, Erin and I both Agreed that the Top Design contestants are actually, well, how do I put it?  Um, Good.  Now, don't get me wrong, nothing that actually happened during the filming of la episode to lead us to this conclusion.  It was the airing of photos from Ondine, Nathan, Preston and Eddie's* homes that gave us reason to reconsider our previously drawn conclusions.

*Eddies apartment was not shown at the top of the hour due to his slated elimination.  And those are the rules of reality TV.  Sorry, rules is rules. Let's have a peak at the Designers in real life.  You be the judge.

Preston's real-life home:

OK, admittedly I am swayed by the HORSE in photo #1.  I've never met a horse-in-a-house that I didn't like. 

Here's a shot of Preston's shining moment on Top Design:

Huh?  The first 2 images could tred water in most design mags, while I'm pretty sure I saw that same botanical bloodbath tonight while I was at Hobby Lobby.  (yes, I really was at Hobby Lobby)

The evidence for the cast and against the production mounts when we take a gander at Ondine's pad.  Buckle up, there are a lot of pictures.  Because I love it.

I currently have my attorneys reviewing the squatter's rights laws in New York to see if I can get my booty in there.  Which begs the question, why?  WHY? Did the Top Design production team force us to accept this as entertainment:

You may remember that it was Ondine who was responsible for the tragic decoupage wallpaper

In my personal apartment hunt today I learned that the internet is, in fact, finite (gasp).  I could not find any pictures of Nathan's real-life pad.  Nathan?  Are you out there?  If so, send us some pics of your joint and we'll post 'em lickety split (I bet we'll even have nice things to say about them)

For now, here are some photos of interiors Nathan has designed for clients:

I would gladly sip cocktails and work in either of these photos (they are not mutually exclusive, right?) so why, pray tell, was I forced to endure this:

Paper plates?  c'mon!  This is the Y2K8, that shit is bad for the environment and this room is bad for my soul.

Finally, even though the TD VD producers undermined our intelligence and ability to spot a little foreshadowing, I managed to dig up some Eddie Ross photos (that dude is everywhere)

(is that the vest he was given as a birthday gift on this week's episode?)

You have to admit, Eddie is quite possibly the best designer for the aging WASP crowd in all of North America.  Hey, that's not a bad thing, those dudes have cash.  Still, his first solo Top Design project looked like this:

I just threw up in my mouth.

And it's the producer's fault.

This entire season I've been saying to myself... UGH!  If I had that project I would do this, that, and the other thing. Turns out, no, no I wouldn't have.  I, like Preston, Ondine, Nathan, Eddie and the rest of the bunch would have been at the mercy of a drama and ratings hungry production team.  No amount of experience or expertise could prepare me to design an entire house in 90 minutes.

So, in an open letter to the Top Design Producers I would like to say:  Why?  Why are you spoon-feeding us these sub-par bologna sandwiches when you could pay your camera crew a little bit of overtime to give a few talented designers an honest chance at making something good?  And please, spare the "if they are true designers they can make anything out of nothing" rhetoric, you know damn well that you're setting them up for ratings-driven failure.  You've invited wonderfully talented judges (we really do love them all, even the guests) to join your cast, people who look at and work on GREAT design on a daily basis, then ask them to find nice things to say about a piss-poor room.  It's a little insulting.  As I have said before, if you give these kids a real budget and a decent time-line (an extra day even), you may actually see interiors that inspire and REAL drama born from the jealousy of the less talented cast. It is you, Top Design Producers, that I am holding accountable.  You're a bunch of Tranny Ding Dongs.

PS.  If anyone would like to see a real summary of this week's episode with pictures and stuff, please visit our lovely (and funny as hell!) friend Cliff in Cliffland