Junk in the Bunk: A Top Design Story

I have an insanely high capacity for crappy reality television.  Specifically, any reality show in which something is created, designed, made over, or otherwise made prettier by a group of self indulgent "designers" who are then pitted against each other, leading to an inevitable finale anchored by dramatic lighting, threatening music and the sweet, sweet promise of immunity.  Presumably, Top Design would rock my decor-loving life, but instead it is putting me in a zombi-like trance otherwise known as sleep. This week the "designers" were asked to decorate a bunker (all preempted by Todd showing a kitchy 1950's build your own bunker for when the bomb comes video.  It was a waste of my time.) Theoretically, we were all to spend the next 50 years in said bunker waiting for death's sweet release.  Surprisingly, none of the designers chose to outfit their new dwelling with a noose, so as to escape this nonsense:


I don't even remember this room and I just watched the episode 30 minutes ago.  According to bravo it was decorated by Kerry and Shazia.  Would anyone like to discuss the fabric folded along the bedframes?  It reminds me of those cheap, round wooden decorator tables that are sold at wal-mart and are made for the sole purpose of putting a ruffled tablecloth on.  If it's sooo ugly that it needs to be covered up, why is it even made?  I understand that with this show they were given these ugly beds, I just HATE draping fabric as a cop-out.  I'm going to call this room hobby-lobby chic.

Next immemorable room:

another room

Ondine and Preston (Erin's Gay BF) Got in trouble for this room, apparently it was too "real."  As in, they had THOUGHT OUT WHAT THEY MIGHT DO IN THERE AND DESIGNED THE ROOM TO FULFILL THOSE NEEDS, how dare they?!  Please pack all personal belongings and proceed to a properly decorated bunker immediately:


The winning Bunker designed by she whom shall not be identified as Mrs. Schroder and Eddie.  Look it's got cows and trees, just like outside!  We'll forget we're locked down here for the rest of our natural born lives!

PS. Is that a trash bag at the end of the right sofa?

And the runners up:

another room

Sleepy-town by Nathan and Wisit.  I have to admit that my knee-jerk reaction to this challenge was to cover the walls and ceiling in fabric, so Wisit did tug at my heart strings with his suggestion.  However, I was picturing something a little more along the lines of, oh, I don't know, something a top designer would produce, something, say, like this:

dream curtains

Yes, I know I posted this last Friday, but you know you loved it and want to see it again.  A+ Philippe Starck, you have the top design.

Trying to end the misery as quickly as possible:

losing room

Jennifer and Robert's losing room, so bad it sent both of them home.  I think it's really funny that they both threw temper-tantrums and drew a line in the proverbial sand.  ha ha.  babies.

BTW, Bravo, thanks for tipping us off on the ending:  When the designers were shopping Mrs. Schroder got mad at Jennifer and said karma would come back to her, which the producers awkwardly fit in to the production schedule, presumably to make the viewers, retroactively, at the end of the episode, realize that Mrs. S is more than Ricky's wife, she's freakin psychic!  Amazing!  Go home Jennifer and Robert!

Last room, promise:


I think it's the warmest room of the bunch, and I don't hate that thing on the back wall.  The slipper chair is hurting me a bit, though.  And, like (also psychic!) Todd Oldham predicted, Natalie and Theresa needed to edit, there's just too much junk in that bunk. 

Digression:  Wouldn't it have been funny if someone had put a weight-lifting bench and some free weights into their room?  I mean, if you're really going to be there for 50 years, you don't want your muscles to atrophy.  A potty would be nice too.  And a mess kit.  I think the judges really missed the mark this time.

Here are some other highlights from the episode (I dug deep)

kelly wearstler

1. Kelly Wearstler's outfit was EASILY the most interesting thing on the show last night.  A bit overly dramatic and costumey, but I was still hypnotized by the lovely striped scarf and all those gold brooches.

2. I spy anthropologie's wallpaper in the designer's apartment

3. We learned that contestant Natalie!!! has a very sophisticated world view:  apparently, the Chinese are building a transformer that will force us all underground when they seek vengeance for that Hiroshima bomb thingy

4. Jonathan, please stop saying j'adorable.  Your new catch phrase is not.

5. Hanging the models out of a hot air balloon made for a really cute photo shoot.  Wait, that was from the entertaining show that was on last night.

6. I'm sick of team challenges.  

7. I remember where I was the first time I found out that Andrea was Rick Schroder's wife.  I was reading Elle Decor in my living room with my cat and an ice cold diet coke.  

8. I CAN'T WAIT to watch Jeffrey Sebelia become overly dramatic and serious about the store our designers are making for him next week.  Because, you know, the store is totally real and he has to live with their design.  Forever.