A hundred years ago I wrote the last installment of our kitchen renovation saga. Surely you have been waiting with baited breath to see the finished product, and sadly ye must wait yet a while longer. Because my kitchen currently looks like this:
SIGH. No, that is not the inside of a messy snowglobe, that is indeed our humble kitchen, which is currently being worked over by the bandit twins, Hunny Bunny and Mattypants. Matty has been installing our soapstone counter for the past fews days, and it appears we are finally in the final stages (hooray!). But for now, I am trapped in the back room due to swirling drifts of dust and stinky epoxy. DOUBLE SIGH.
Tacky, overwrought, and stuffed full of enough red velvet and marble to make Liberace blush? Yes, yes, and yes. Swoon. And the best part is the dining room...
Do you see the UNICORN HEADS? With evil ruby eyes? Sorry about all the yelling today, but the dust is getting to me. And then there are the unicorn heads, which obviously warrant a little extra screaming.
I may need some time in the spa, so I can chill the bleep out.
Afterward, I will catch the evening show with an ersatz Liza Minelli -- someone in drag would be most suitable -- and if s/he doesn't belt out "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," I may get stabby.
Then I would dine with 19 of my closest new friends on what would most assuredly be tiny portions of minuscule quail and midget greens, followed by a mandatory chocolate milkshake.
After drinking far too much wine (yes, I am preggers, but this is MY fantasy, ok?) I would fight my vertigo while staring at the hypnotic crystal bead thingie hanging over the stairwell.
Then HB and I would retire to our deluxe suite, where we would sit back to back in our matching chesterfield couches, enjoying our alone time together.
When alone time is over, we'll head for a relaxing bath in our bathroom, where a big bang explosion of carerra must have occurred in the not so distant past. I really don't know what to think about this... lots and lots and lots of marble? Check. Swan faucets? Check. Mirrored cabinet? Check. Vessel sinks? Yes, those, too. Oh hell, I'm just going to enjoy my bath. I'm not here to do inventory.
Night night time is when the magic happens. Sorry, I could provide details, but HB is a little shy. Oh, fine. After playing with the unicorns, sweating in the spa, eating a mini brace of quail, drinking far too much, and relaxing in the tub, we're just going to pass out. Cold.
I told you it was magical.